Chasing Motherhood

1. Expecting to be expecting…

Call me naïve, but at the age of 27 I felt like I was in the prime position to start a family. Pre-30, I was thankful to have no health issues, I was in good shape physically, we’d just bought a home perfect to bring up a family and I’d started a fab new job as a HR Manager for a multinational company. What could go wrong?!

After the breakdown of a long-term relationship, the following year I met Matt. Nearly 8 years my senior, he was perfect for me – he made me laugh, challenged me and offset my terrible impatience with his balanced, practical approach to everything.

I’d always known that I’d wanted children. No ifs, buts & not even a hint of a maybe. The main thing I wanted from life was to be a Mum. Around 6 months into our relationship I remember being on our first holiday together in Kefalonia. Matt had just asked me to move in with him by presenting me with a New Home card. Very sweet I thought, before I noticed that (in typical Matt style) within the card he had congratulated me for passing my ‘probationary period’! I tentatively (after a few glasses of wine) decided to have the first conversation about my desire to have children. I had to make sure he wanted the same as me as not having children just wasn’t an option. I breathed a sigh of relief when he did too and so we waited until the time felt right.

When he finally said ‘let’s try’ I was beyond excited. My pills went straight in the bin and we enjoyed TTC (Trying to Conceive in fertility forum language). It seemed like the easiest thing in the world. I figured we’d fall pregnant in the obvious way just like everyone else did – we’d have sex at the right time and BAM, a baby! Easy, right?! Who imagines that something that seems so natural, so ‘normal’ might not happen? Unless you’ve been close to someone experiencing infertility I don’t think you give it a second thought; after all, no-one seems to talk about it even if they are having problems. I never expected 5 years on to be sat writing a blog about failing miserably in making that baby!

I quickly became obsessed with ‘Dr Google’ and soon I was a fully-fledged expert in baby making. This included all kinds of weird and wonderful methods of graphical tracking of my basal temperature every morning, working my way through a mountain of ovulation sticks, and keeping an eye on other (sometimes gross) indicators of ovulation (abbreviated as EWCM for those of you in the know, for those that aren’t – don’t ask!). I was constantly looking for early signs of whether I might be pregnant. Was I experiencing implantation bleeding?! Nope, just another period starting earlier than expected (*sigh*).

By now I’d fully expected to be expecting. As each cycle went by I became bitterly disappointed and began to realise something wasn’t quite right, the defeat of a period was all happening a little too often. Little did I know that this regular disappointment was nothing in comparison to what was to come…

NEXT POST – Niggles, Negatives and Negligence

Leave a Reply