As you know, we’ll always be open with the girls about their conception – they’ll never know any different. It’s only now that Mila is three and a complete chatterbox, that we can actually talk about it in a two-way conversation. One of my favourite things to do is to have time for an uninterrupted chat with her – she just amazes me every day. I thought now was a good time to start weaving in some information about how she came to be, obviously including how special she is and how she was very much wanted. I also think it’s a good time for me to practice talking openly with her about something that is so important but so emotional too – I want to make sure I build my own confidence.
So a few days ago Mila and I were deep in conversation in one of her favourite places to chat – whilst on the toilet! She was talking to me about rainbows and asked where they came from. I gave her the standard answer about the sun and the rain, then I told her that she herself was actually a very special rainbow for us. As curious as ever, Mila asked a question that I must hear at least 100 times a day – “Why Mummy?”. So I explained that we tried to have her for a very long time, Mummy was poorly and needed some help to have a baby. I explained that we went to see a doctor, where a very kind lady gave us some eggs that were mixed with Daddy’s ‘seed’ (I wasn’t sure what word to use here, but seed felt more appropriate than sperm!). I told her that this made an embryo which was put inside Mummy’s tummy for Mummy to grow Mila. She smiled and took me by surprise with her first question… “But where’s the kind lady?” Well, honestly, that threw me. I found a lump in my throat. Flooding back, came my old friends ‘grief’ and ‘fear’. I knew at some stage she would ask about our donor, and I will always answer truthfully, but it doesn’t mean that I won’t still have moments of pain. In that moment I felt deeply the loss of our genetic connection. I craved being able to have a Mother / Daughter relationship with no complications or difficult conversations to have.
But I know that isn’t our reality, I accept that and I accept that at times it may be difficult for me, and maybe for them in the future too – but I owe it to the girls to tell them everything. It doesn’t mean they will love me any less, and if anything, I hope it will create an even stronger relationship – built on trust and honesty.
I wanted to share this moment to show that, even if you still find it difficult – that’s ok. I might seem like I have it all together but I don’t always, it’s a learning curve and something I need to build my confidence in particularly when talking about it with those most important to me. I can talk to most people about this topic in a completely calm manner, but it seems it becomes a different emotional challenge when speaking with my girls. I so badly want to get it right, which is why facing my fears and building my confidence is so important. Fear and grief doesn’t mean you can’t still be open with your child, we just need to recognise it and if needed seek some help. It’s so important to ensure our children grow up with the right message, security and never feeling like they’ve been left in the dark.
Love, Becky x