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by Defining Mum | Jan 25, 2019 | 0 comments

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Infertility
Donor Conception
Baby Loss

I’m Becky, an incredibly grateful 34 year old donor egg IVF mum to three beautiful girls. I live in the UK with my husband Matt as well as Mila, aged 3 and twins Eska and Lena, aged 2.

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Mummy couldn't make you with her own eggs, but she

Mummy couldn't make you with her own eggs, but she made you with her heart.
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The whole infertility experience was heavy on my heart, having to grieve the loss of an old dream before opening my heart to a new one. One that has undoubtedly changed my life for the better and helped me redefine what it really means to be a mum.
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These words came to me this week as I chatted with Mila whilst putting her to bed. Occasionally, we spontaneously have little snippets of conversations about how she came to be, this time it was the only way I could put it into words. Our donor's generous gift of eggs, Matt's sperm, my body and both of our hearts open to what it could bring. Hearts that are now full because of them.
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I will never expect them to be grateful for it, but they will always know just how much they mean to me and how lucky I am to be their mum. Although I couldn't use my own eggs and they won't share my genetics, they will always have my grateful heart.
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#donoreggs #deivf #deivfmama #deivfsuccess #motherhoodunplugged #infertilityjourney #fertilityblog #donorconception #losetheshame #loveisntgeneticallyprogrammed #lovemakesafamily #definingmum #hope #youarenotalone #infertilitysucks #infertilitysisters

It's takeover time again! This week I have some br

It's takeover time again! This week I have some brilliant ladies talking to you about their experiences of using #donoreggs. Tomorrow I'll be welcoming one of the accounts I love to follow...
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Allie aka @thebunlessoven is a proud #DEIVF mom to a 1 year old girl. She spent 5+ years TTC, including 3 (own egg) IVF cycles, and three DEIVF transfers, before finally welcoming her miracle baby thanks to the amazing gift of eggs from a childhood friend. After suffering through years of devastating infertility, she's excited to share her story of hope and her wonderful experience of using a known egg donor.
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As before, please comment below with any questions or you can ask interactively as part of my stories when Allie takes over in the morning! Huge thanks to Allie for agreeing to share her story and answer questions with us all. It really does give so much hope to hear other people’s experiences!
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#instatakeover #donorconception #deivfmama #deivfsuccess #knowndonor #youarenotalone #recipientparent #hope #infertilityjourney #pof #ivfjourney #infertilitysucks #infertilityblog #fertilitysupport #definingmum

So much shame can be associated with infertility.

So much shame can be associated with infertility. The underlying feeling that we should be embarrassed in some way, that our struggle to conceive is somehow our fault or caused by something we've done (or not done).
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Where there's shame comes discomfort in talking about it, & when no-one feels comfortable to talk about it we can perceive that everyone else has it easy. Perceptions, particularly on social media, can be dangerous, even more-so when it comes to TTC. All we see is a well-timed snippet into someone else's life, assume we know the rest & compare it to our own life. In reality, with 1 in 6 couples facing infertility, when it comes to building a family this just simply isn't the case - I would bet my life on there being many more than you realise experiencing the exact same emotions.
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Trying to conceive is one of the most personal things you can do in life. No-one wants to have to talk about what are really intimate, personal details when letting people know you're actively trying to make a baby. The constant questions, assumptions & expectations surrounding us can all add to the intense feeling of failure. When trying to conceive doesn't go to plan, sharing that we need help, or that it might never happen can literally feel like baring your soul.
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I just wanted to share this to remind you that there is no reason you should feel shame, but it's also totally understandable if you do. What I want you to remember is that needing help to conceive isn't a reflection of weakness, or anything you've done wrong, it's treating a medical condition that you've been unfortunate enough to have to face. Know that you aren't alone in this, you needn't suffer in silence, you aren't broken, & you ARE deserving.
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So whether you need help through fertility treatment, donor conception, surrogacy, adoption or you're making the decision to stop trying - it is nothing to be ashamed of. You are facing one of life's greatest challenges in a world full of misunderstanding, plus a global pandemic thrown in for good measure! Be kind to yourself, find others who will say 'me too' & take comfort in knowing you're one of an incredible community of people.
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How much to share about the girls? How will they f

How much to share about the girls? How will they feel about it? Am I sharing too much? Questions I often ask myself, hoping that I'm making the right decisions.
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I think about what I try to do through this account, what I'm trying to achieve & what that ultimately says to our girls. I talk about giving 'HOPE', through hearing other people's experiences, something which I believe needs context & people to make it feel real & accessible. I want to normalise the fact that some of us need the help of a donor to create a family, & show that it's nothing to be ashamed of. I want to show people that you can still be proud of this path to parenthood & lose any shame that can surround it. I want to show them that shitty things can happen in life, but they don’t have to define you & can still lead to the most beautiful beginnings.
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I reflected on this as it was a question asked of Mel @the_stork_and_I this week on my takeover. It’s not an easy decision as a parent, especially when the topic is historically shrouded by taboo & stigma. But how do we break the silence if we don't speak out? How do we change perceptions & help others feel less alone if we can't talk about it? By sharing our story proudly I hope to show our girls just how proud I am of them & how I want to use what was once a very difficult experience to help others experiencing the same, whilst sharing my learnings & reflections along the way.
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It is their story ultimately, which may mean I adjust how much I share as time goes on, & I will always follow their lead as they grow. My ultimate hope is that they will share the same pride as me, without anything being forced on them, allowing them to still express curiosity & have the ability to ask questions openly.
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Also, how is it possible not to share gorgeous pictures like this?! We found the most amazing field of wheat yesterday on our family walk - something they loved running through. I just want to shout from the rooftops about how lucky I am, how grateful I feel & how much I adore each & every one of them. They really are the ultimate definition of hope. 💛
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#hope #deivf #deivfmama #deivfsuccess #deivfandproud #donoreggs #donoreggivf

Will I feel like the REAL parent? My answer to thi

Will I feel like the REAL parent? My answer to this is, from my own experience and the experiences I hear from others, is wholeheartedly YES.
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What's real is simply something that isn't imagined or supposed.

It's what you know to be true,

a role you play,

words you speak,

decisions you take,

bonds you create,

memories you make,

feelings you feel,

every single day together.
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In these past 4 years I've been parenting, I've never once not felt like a mum - I have the love and the constant worries to show for it!
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I share this because I know it's a worry for many. There's no denying that there is another important role we will always be grateful for and open about, our egg donor. What I want to reassure you is that this can co-exist and shouldn't diminish yours in any way. It’s possible for us, as parents without genetic links, to accept that two places can be held, allowing us to be at peace with the way in which we created our family.
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It's hard to know how you'll feel until you finally get there, but the responsibility, the act of parenting and bringing up a child can never feel more 'real'. If you're worrying about what others will think, consider what they will be seeing... you, parenting!
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What's 'real' isn't defined solely by genetics, it's defined by so much more, and, with acceptance, it really can be beautiful 🌻💛

📸 taken in our garden, it was too beautiful to not share & nicely represents the beauty I talk about here 🌻💛

I'm delighted to announce my next takeover tomorro

I'm delighted to announce my next takeover tomorrow, the wonderful Amy from @HerFertilityDiary. Amy is a glowing momma to a 2 month old baby girl conceived with donor sperm. This follows a 4 year long journey filled with heartbreak, loss, uncertainty, jealousy and fear. After a diagnosis of male factor infertility Amy and her husband finally conceived following 3 IUI's and 2 IVF cycles.
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I love the way Amy writes and shares her story, I almost feel like I've been on the journey with her as she's so openly shared the rollercoaster of emotions it took for them both to accept this alternative path to parenthood. She shares the fears, the joys..all the varying emotions that I think are so important to acknowledge and validate on this journey. Amy will be providing the female perspective, which I think will be the perfect end to the week, one which started with Alex's amazing @pursuingfatherhood takeover from male perspective - both with experience of genetic loss and having to use donor sperm to build their family. Reflecting on and recognising the impact of genetic loss from both sides of a relationship is important, and something I feel both of these accounts do very honestly and openly.
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As I've asked before, please put any questions in the comments below or you can ask away on the day as Amy will provide you with an interactive question box! Amy is a few hours behind us in the UK so expect the takeover to start in the afternoon. Thank you @HerFertilityDiary for agreeing to take over my account and so kindly share your story.
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#donorsperm #donorconception #instatakeover #dsivf #ivf #fertilityjourney #malefactorinfertility #mfi #donorspermsuccess #ttcjourney #ttcsupport #iui #ivfsuccess #azoospermia #mtese #microtese #ivfdonorsperm #infertilityawareness #infertilitysucks

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