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by Defining Mum | May 9, 2019 | 0 comments

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Infertility
Donor Conception
Baby Loss

I’m Becky, an incredibly grateful 34 year old donor egg IVF mum to three beautiful girls. I live in the UK with my husband Matt as well as Mila, aged 3 and twins Eska and Lena, aged 2.

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Healthline Infertility Best Blogs 2020

We Are Family - What Really Matters For Parents an

We Are Family - What Really Matters For Parents and Children.

If you're looking to understand more about the impact of assisted conception, including IVF, donor conception & surrogacy then this book is definitely worth a read. Written by long-term family researcher Professor Susan Golombok, it examines the impact of new family formations on parenting & child development across numerous studies into different family forms.

Through her extensive longitudinal research over many years, Susan & her team found that the most important thing is the nature of family relationships, not the structural formation or genetic links.

Her research challenges some of the commonly held assumptions about families formed in these alternative ways, showing that the gender, sexual orientation, number of parents & being genetically related to all parents is less important for children's psychological well being than the quality of family relationships. And what's important for the quality of these relationships is that parents are available, supportive & able to be flexible with their children. There's much evidence about the importance & benefits of talking to our children at a young age, with real-life examples talked about throughout to really bring these studies to life.

I'm absolutely delighted to be joined by Professor Susan Golombok to discuss her findings in my @paths_to_parenthub webinar next Wednesday 21st April at 8pm, where attendees will have the chance to hear about the research first-hand & also to ask questions too. Keep your eyes peeled later this week for a giveaway of this book over at @paths_to_parenthub (available to buy on Amazon).

Members of Paths to Parenthub get access to this webinar & all other, live chats, recordings, the private community app & support groups for £16 a month (no minimum term) or £160 for the full year.
Alternatively you can join this one-off webinar (inc, recording if you can't make it live) for £9.95 & if you then decide to join you can get the webinar cost off the first membership payment.

Links to join are in my bio, I would love to welcome you there!

#donorconception #wearefamily #donoreggs #deivf #donorsperm #doubledonor

"I love you mummy" Words I'd always longed to hea

"I love you mummy"

Words I'd always longed to hear, it's lovely when they repeat it as I say it, but saying it completely out of the blue & with meaning is the best feeling in the world.

And they do. They absolutely love me, just like they love Matt & our wider family too. They don’t love him more simply because they share DNA. How could I have ever imagined they might not feel this way just because we don't share genetics?

Genetics are not a requirement for love, I know that for sure.

But if the two aren't linked when it comes to our relationship, what about when it comes to how they might think about our donor, who they are genetically related to? We may automatically assume if they want to find them that it's because they're missing something from us. If they're curious & want to know more, it's easy to feel threatened by the thought of someone else in a 'parental' capacity to your child, albeit an unknown, distant, genetic one. There can be a big fear that our future child may see us as 'less than' & possibly love us less because we're not their 'genetic mother'. But what we have to be conscious of is that their desire to find our donor isn't necessarily the outcome of a search for 'love', but instead for information about themselves, a natural curiosity I'm understanding more about as I listen to donor conceived people. Many say that an interest in their donor doesn't mean that they love their parents any less. It's something I remind myself of & hold in my mind in those wobbly moments as I look towards the future.

If our girls decide they want to find our donor through DNA testing, then I know in my heart that it's not a reflection on our relationship. If they find her, there's not a finite amount of love that takes away from everything we've shared together. In fact, I think they will love me even more for having my support, being open to listening & understanding how they feel, whilst being totally in it together. That's my hope.

Sharing because I know that feeling threatened in some way by the thought of another person interfering in your relationship with your much loved child can be very real, I've definitely felt it.

Cont. in comments...

Today I’m honoured to share our story as part of

Today I’m honoured to share our story as part of Elle's @feathering_the_empty_nest #mumsvoiceblog - a feature that both inspires me and has me in tears every time I read someone's story. Elle sharing her own story and creating a platform and safe space to support others after loss was a huge inspiration behind me starting this account and sharing my story in the first place.

I've placed the link in my bio if you want to read, it's a summary of our journey and how I needed to 're-define motherhood' as we changed our path towards using an egg donor to build our family.

I always love the opportunity to be able to share on a wider platform, to help raise awareness of and normalise donor conception as a path to parenthood. My hope is that it goes towards breaking down stigma and feelings of shame, whilst validating the very real fears, questions and emotions that can be faced.

As part of a community, feeling less alone and better understood, my hope is that those of us needing to use a donor to conceive will feel better prepared and supported in processing our emotions surrounding genetic loss, ultimately putting ourselves in the very best position to support and raise our children.

Hello to anyone who has joined me recently, it's lovely to have you here! My DM's are always open, as is my virtual support platform @paths_to_parenthub (linked in bio) for members to join and access a supportive community (away from social media) for connection and support groups, a range of live and recorded webinars focusing on key topics, as well as many personal stories to bring comfort and show the realities of life after donor conception, with a range of experiences and perspectives. I’d love to welcome you there. 💛

#donorconception #deivfmum #deivfmama #motherhooduncovered #definingmum #redefiningmotherhood #youarenotalone #deivf #donoreggs #donoreggbaby #deivfjourney

Just because you've been through infertility doesn

Just because you've been through infertility doesn't mean you can't find parenting hard. I'm sharing this again, not only for those who are finally pregnant & parenting after fertility struggles, but also for those who are still on their path to parenthood, as I hope it's something you will need to hear & remember for the future. I hope this post isn't too triggering, it's just something I wish I'd heard before I had Mila.

I vividly remember after giving birth, naively thinking that everything I experienced from then on would be filled with nothing but joy, that because I'd already faced the darkest days of infertility nothing else would ever feel hard. I wanted this so badly that I promised I'd never complain & would stop any negative thoughts entering my head before I was even able to process them. Probably not the best thing to do & the reason why I ended up sobbing uncontrollably to my midwife 3wks into motherhood, it was such a shock to the system.

Many have contacted me - some finally pregnant & feeling lost, & some struggling in the early days with newborns - all asking themselves, why don't I feel happy ALL of the time? Just like I was (& still am!), they feel guilt for not finding joy in every single moment.

This post isn't about comparison, I'm not sure the pain of infertility is comparable with much else in life, but I want to recognise the lasting impact that infertility can have on us, layering additional guilt which can lead us to diminish our very real emotions once we are parents.

I want to tell you that it doesn't mean you're not grateful if...
...you're not enjoying pregnancy
...you don't feel complete elation & joy all of the time
...you're craving some time to yourself
...you get frustrated when woken multiple times a night
...you feel jealous of your partner for getting the chance to go out to work
...you're counting down the minutes until bedtime
...you feel hopeless that you haven't achieved anything
...you cry from sheer exhaustion
...for a fleeting moment you wish you could do something you used to do before kids

It's completely normal to feel all of these things.
Continued in comments...

I always say it, but I really do feel like the luc

I always say it, but I really do feel like the luckiest person in the world to get to walk through life with these three girls. At one point, I felt incredibly unlucky at the thought of never having a child that was genetically 'mine', without even realising the pure joy, happiness and love that could come when using an egg donor to help us conceive.

Why me?

What did I do to deserve this?

How will I ever feel happy again without the dream I'd always held?

...These were questions I would constantly ask myself back when we were TTC.

Now I ask "what did I do to deserve this?" in a completely different way, at times unable to truly comprehend how I got SO lucky, not to be just 'a mum', but to be THEIR mum. My eggs could not have brought me children that I would love any more. Yes, our story would have been much less complex, but in a way I think our story has led to an even greater level of conscious gratitude that I otherwise wouldn't have had, without our struggles to have them.

This weekend has been filled with so many beautiful, pinch me, never-want-this-to-end moments. Pancake mornings, family dinners, bedtime dance-sessions, egg hunts, walks with wider family, mummy/daughter sleepover, pizza evening, garden centre visits, ice cream in the sun...just simply enjoying spending quality time with one another. Memories that build bonds and will last a lifetime. It sounds so cheesy but it's true!

I know it can be easy to focus on what it is you're losing when making the decision to use a donor, it's not how you'd ever imagined you'd build your family, but I believe there is also so much to gain as a family. I know it's not always easy, but by allowing yourself the time to grieve, finding support, moving towards acceptance, starting a new path to parenthood can open up so many possibilities. Sharing to bring hope and shine a light on new possibilities, whilst sending love to you all. x

#donorconception #deivf #deivfjourney #deivfmama #donoreggs #donoreggmama #parentingafterinfertility #definingmum #infertilityjourney #pof #lowamh #youarenotalone

I received my @hertility_health hormone test resul

I received my @hertility_health hormone test results back at the beginning of last week. As you can see, they're very colourful & in a lovely pattern but (as pretty as they may look) what they have confirmed is my suspicion that my hormone levels aren't quite where they should be. For those who haven’t watched my stories recently, having been on HRT for 2+years now, more recently I've noticed some symptoms returning - including mood swings, anxiety, tiredness, skin breakouts & occasional night sweats. I just haven't felt 'right'... whatever that is!

The results came back within a week, showing my AMH has dropped even lower (to be expected), my FSH was high (also expected) but my oestrogen was still low, despite taking HRT. Also my thyroid seems to be doing strange things, with my TSH particularly high. I'm not going to share actual numbers because I think comparison isn't always helpful, but hopefully this helps anyone struggling with similar feelings & symptoms know that you're not alone! Personally, I've found facing early menopause after my fertility journey a reminder of my infertility & that my body isn't doing what it should, which I know many will relate to.

I'm thankful to @dr.helenoneill, founder of Hertility for gifting this to me because what it has done is give me the encouragement not to just sit back & wait to feel 'bad enough' to follow up with the Dr. I now have data backing up that what I'm feeling isn't 'normal' & needs further investigation. So, this week I've requested a referral back to the NHS menopause clinic for a review, but firstly we've agreed to do some more investigations into my thyroid. I feel like I'm taking control back again!

If anyone is wanting to know more about their hormones, whether it be for fertility checks, results needed for fertility treatment or menopausal symptoms like me, currently you can get £10 off using the code DEFININGMUM10. @paths_to_parenthub members also get a special discount too! 💛

P.S. I've not been asked to share this & I'm not getting any paid commission, I just think it could be a really useful tool. I also love Helen’s passion & commitment to improving women's reproductive health. 💛

#gifted

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