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by Defining Mum | May 9, 2019 | 0 comments

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Infertility
Donor Conception
Baby Loss

I’m Becky, an incredibly grateful 34 year old donor egg IVF mum to three beautiful girls. I live in the UK with my husband Matt as well as Mila, aged 3 and twins Eska and Lena, aged 2.

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Healthline Infertility Best Blogs 2020

Recently I wrote an article for Fertility Road Magazine called “How to talk to your employer about your fertility treatment” - click here to download your copy.

It's lovely to see lots of new faces, hi 👋 I th

It's lovely to see lots of new faces, hi 👋
I thought it'd be a good time for a little intro to me...

I'm Becky, a proud, grateful mum of 3 beautiful girls & a passionate advocate for opening up conversations & providing better support for those experiencing fertility struggles & loss. I know from my own experience of early menopause at the age of 28, 5 failed IVF cycles, miscarriage & finally conceiving through donor egg IVF just how overwhelming & lonely this experience can be.

After having our girls I knew I wanted to share our story, I wanted to 'usualise' this path to parenthood & for my girls to grow up in a world where donor conception wasn't as taboo or in any way shameful. That's what drove the start of @DefiningMum, but it has become so much more.

I saw a lack of emotional support for those walking this path, only realising afterwards the grieving process I went through & how I made life-changing decisions with very little support, all whilst feeling hugely vulnerable & increasingly desperate to be a mum. That's what led me to start trying to bridge this gap almost 2 years ago, creating everything I wished I'd have had in my membership support platform @paths_to_parenthub.

I share the very real, often unspoken emotions that many of us feel, always aiming to be authentic & real, putting words to these feelings & hopefully being a voice for others to find comfort, hope & support in.

I hope to provoke thoughts & questions through sharing my reflections since starting this account. I know that I did my best with the information I had at the time, but that more open conversations about this topic could have helped me make more informed decisions that centred around my future children.

I also wear my old HR hat in my role as co-founder of @fertilitymattersatwork as we work towards better support in the workplace for those facing fertility struggles, with a huge campaign for employment legislation in the UK to give a statutory right to time off to attend appointments, but that's a whole other post!

Thank you for joining me in this space & for your kind words of encouragement, it means so much. I truly love this community & the change I see happening 💛

Until you're unable to conceive with your own gene

Until you're unable to conceive with your own genetics I don't believe it's something you'd ever give a second thought to. It's a loss & a feeling that can be hard to put into words. It's losing something you'd always unknowingly taken for granted, something you'd always thought would be a given & something that suddenly becomes so visible in other families. It's grieving the loss of not being able to pass on your DNA & leaving this earth knowing that your 'legacy' in this sense isn't going to exist any more. It often comes layered on top of many other losses too - the inability to conceive naturally, failed IVF & baby loss.

Having to then consider building your family in a different way is also difficult to describe. It makes you ask complex questions of yourself you've never imagined having to consider, deep questions that the majority don't even have to think about. It's about making compromises* & difficult choices on your route to parenthood, finding those you're willing to accept, pushing your boundaries & testing relationships along the way, as you try to agree on how far you're willing to go in pursuit of your dream. It's seeing past everything that society presents as important in a family, all whilst the most innocent conversations around resemblances, heritage & family connections are seemingly amplified.

It's knowing you won't visually see yourself in your child, you won't have that 'mini-me' you'd always imagined. It's grieving the loss of a dream you've always held & needing to redefine a new dream. It takes a lot of faith to move forward with so many unknowns.

In reality, what I've now found is that I've gained so much more in what I've lost. Our girls are everything to me, I know that DNA doesn't define our relationships & has no bearing on my capacity to love & to mother. Genetics have no influence on our day-to-day, our bonds or love - our connections come from our relationships with one another.

Having experienced the loss of my ability to pass on my genetics, I know that it's normal to occasionally still feel sad about our losses, even later down the line,I've said many times that grief & joy can co-exist.

Continued in comments...

I received two beautiful gifts today! A tile print

I received two beautiful gifts today! A tile print for my office of one of my favourite pictures with our girls and a copy of the gorgeous updated Robo-babies book, written by lovely Laura @robomummy and #gifted by @owletpress. Through the carefully selected words and colourful illustrations, this book so beautifully presents how not everyone's family building journey is easy and gives the perfect opportunity to talk about our own story and family within it.

The story isn't centred around donor conception, like most others we have, but it allows the perfect opportunity to weave in our own narrative, whilst we talk about all kinds of different families too. In a lovely way it helps to make our differences to most families seem less 'different', as a way to usualise the many alternate paths to parenthood and show that, when it comes to family, one size doesn't fit all. With this book I've been able to talk to the girls about different family make-ups with two mums, two dads, solo parents, about how families might be formed with donor conception when there are parts that don't work (like with mummy's eggs), surrogacy and adoption too. All of this with one thing in common "every robot family starts with love". We re-read it again tonight, a little while since we last read it. It was amazing to hear their questions and when talking about how the two daddies don't have any eggs, Lena suddenly declared "so they got eggs from a donor!", without any mention from us of the word donor at all!

This book can be helpful for anyone to learn about building families, whether your child's story needed a little extra help or not. I believe it's helpful for all children, regardless of their conception, to know how there are many different ways to make a family and that sometimes any one of us may need help from others. In fact I'd love to see this book in primary schools as a way to discuss not just the different types of families, but how they are made too. 💛

#donorconception #deivf #donoreggs #recipientparent #robobabies #definingmum #pathstoparenthood #pathstoparenthub

I've been thinking about this phrase ever since @d

I've been thinking about this phrase ever since @donorconceivedaotearoa shared it as a powerful end to a post. It encapsulates exactly how I believe supporting our children with understanding their conception can actually provide opportunities to really strengthen our bonds.

Because of our path to parenthood, I've had many more conscious moments talking to our girls on a deeper level than I believe I would have had if I'd conceived easily. Its meant I've had to dig deeper than I otherwise would have done, working through deep-rooted emotions & grief in providing them with the start of their narrative of how they came to be. It's because of our story that I consciously take opportunities to teach them about different families, facing adversity, being vulnerable & how, as humans, things don't always go to plan... but that things can change & new dreams can be just as wonderful as we'd ever imagined.

It's not only about sharing their story with them, but how we do it too & the foundations we lay down for future conversations. Putting our own feelings aside so that we're able to be open to & recognise where they might find things difficult or be curious, holding space for all of their potential emotions. I try to do this so that hopefully they'll feel comfortable expressing how they truly feel, without fear of upsetting me. I'd hate to think that they'd ever feel like they can't say what they're really thinking, in order to protect me, when it's my role to protect them.

Being their ally has also meant listening to things I haven't wanted to hear & facing some difficult reflections about how our decisions (based on what we knew at the time) may restrict the girls choices in finding out about their genetic origins in the future.

It's a learning curve & a process, but working through this & seeking support has helped me feel better prepared, whilst also seeing this as an opportunity to build even greater bonds as a mother, one who puts their feelings ahead of my own.

Continued in comments...

I wanted to give you a little insight into what yo

I wanted to give you a little insight into what you can find once you're a @paths_to_parenthub member and download our Mighty Networks App.

- Connection with others

…become part of a supportive community who truly 'get it'. Just this week I shared something really vulnerable and was blown away by the support and compassion of the amazing group of people. Donor conception is a group not many ever imagine being a part of, but once you're in it, they're amazing. With members making the decision, going through treatment, pregnant or parenting after donor conception - as a member you can highlight your stage of the 'journey' and find others at a similar stage to you. Best of all the whole community is private and a safe space for all.

- Access to regular events, Q&A and connection & support groups

…members are able to join our regular events live or watch back on-demand, always with the opportunity to submit questions to our speakers to help shape the conversation. I and my wonderful connection hosts all over the world also host virtual opportunities to connect with others, chat and make friends at a similar stage to you.

- Resource library of over 50 recorded conversations to watch back

…every webinar and live chat held on Paths to Parenthub is available to watch or listen back to in video or audio (podcast) format, whenever it is convenient for you. I know time-zones and busy lives can be a challenge and so there is flexibility to absorb the diverse range of conversations and perspectives in your own time. I'm so proud of the range of different stories shared, the insights from our experienced professionals and academic researchers, the focus on the emotional, unspoken aspects of donor conception and the practical advice to support at every stage.

I've got lots more lined up for the coming months which I'm excited to share soon. You can join through the link in my bio - I'd love to welcome you there x

#donorconception #donorconceptionsupport #donoreggs #deivf #donorsperm #doubledonation #definingmum #pathstoparenthub #pathstoparenthood #recipientparent #eggdonation #deivfjourney

Donor conception made me a mum. Donated eggs enabl

Donor conception made me a mum.
Donated eggs enabled me to carry, grow & birth my children, but it hasn't cured my infertility. That still exists & always will.

Donor conception can be presented as THE solution, sometimes almost as though it's just another add-on within a range of treatment options... ICSI, PGS Testing, donor eggs, intralipids, embryo glue. Yes, it can provide a solution to conceiving & bringing home a longed-for baby, but it is in no way an easy option & it will never 'cure' infertility.

To be presented as such is far too simplistic & doesn't recognise the complexity of emotions involved, not only in making the decision but continuing through treatment, pregnancy & parenting too.

It's not just a one time decision, it's a decision for life.
It's not just a decision for us as parents, but for our child too.
It's a whole process of its own with unique emotions & challenges.

We can't assume that all of the pain & grief surrounding infertility will simply disappear the moment we see a positive pregnancy test or when a baby is brought home. What needs to be recognised is the emotional processing that is continually taking place, including triggers that can unexpectedly resurface lingering grief. It’s so important to work through & process this so that we can be the best support to our kids.

I'm incredibly grateful for this option to bring me to where I am today. In so many ways it has healed my heart, whilst I've grieved the loss of my genetics & accepted that I will never share DNA with my children. But it hasn't always been easy & occasionally there are still difficult moments, only now they are interspersed with more joy than I ever thought was possible.

I want anyone on this path feeling this post to know that your emotions are valid. Don't put pressure on yourself or feel guilty for still having wobbles, grief or uncertainty - it's all part of the process & you're not alone. If you're looking for support check out the community, connection & support groups & resources available through @paths_to_parenthub, all designed to support you on this sometimes complex path to parenthood. I’d love to welcome you there, with tons of compassion. 💛

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