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by Defining Mum | May 9, 2019 | 0 comments

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Infertility
Donor Conception
Baby Loss

I’m Becky, an incredibly grateful 34 year old donor egg IVF mum to three beautiful girls. I live in the UK with my husband Matt as well as Mila, aged 3 and twins Eska and Lena, aged 2.

Read more about me

Healthline Infertility Best Blogs 2020

Recently I wrote an article for Fertility Road Magazine called “How to talk to your employer about your fertility treatment” - click here to download your copy.

Preconceptions - ideas we can all have pre-concept

Preconceptions - ideas we can all have pre-conception (see what I did there). About the way it will happen, how long it will take, what it will look like... Narratives we've already written for ourselves that have long been held in our minds.

One preconceived idea I'd always had was that I'd share DNA with my children. It's what I'd always assumed, a given, meaning we'd share genes, looks, traits and there would be no doubts that we were parent and child. When that was taken away as an option, I had no idea what not sharing DNA would be like.

Would it mean I wouldn't be a 'real' mum?
That we wouldn't have as strong a bond?
That they'd be closer to Matt than me?
Would it be obvious to others that we didn't share genes?

All of these fears based on preconceived thoughts seem ridiculous now, there's no doubt I'm their mum, we couldn't be any closer, there's no difference in attachment with Matt compared to me, and those who didn't know wouldn't even guess. But these preconceptions are hard to get your head around when you can't see what the future holds.

I thought I'd put these preconceived ideas about genetics to bed until I found out that I was going to be an Auntie last year, suddenly the (now ridiculous) thoughts appeared once more as I tried to get my head around the prospect of having a genetic link with my niece when I don’t with my own children.

What I'm trying to say here is that, even though I'd moved on from my initial assumptions about what genetics mean, the deep-held preconceived idea of genetics resurfaced and made me wonder how I might feel. The grief around my genetic loss that I thought had been completely replaced with joy was still there, albeit much smaller, yet still with the potential to resurface.

Yesterday we looked after little Rosie for 24hrs and my heart couldn't have been more full seeing them together. The confusion that resurfaced last year seemed a million miles away. Seeing them together as cousins was the most beautiful example of why my preconceived assumption that genetics = love was so far from the truth, what I should have focused on is knowing that genetics aren't a requirement for love. And this shows exactly why. 💛

What an amazing afternoon, over 40 people gathered

What an amazing afternoon, over 40 people gathered in Regents Park for a picnic, some with children, some with a baby on the way and some still on the path to conceive - all through donor conception.

Those passing would have simply seen a group of friends and families gathered for a picnic, but this was a very special group of people, with very special stories that bring us together.

One person said to me how lovely it was just to see the ‘normality’ of these people and families, that’s the beauty of connection, if you can see it, the realities become front of mind, rather then the fears.

The best thing about it is seeing the kids together, the girls made a new friend who is also a ‘Czech baby’ and what’s amazing is that they can see we’re not unique in our family building story.

I overheard Matt telling the girls why we were going today and who was going to be there. When we arrived I asked Eska what all of these families had in common, to which she replied “the children here are like us, they weren’t made with their mummy’s eggs but with eggs from a donor”. 🥰

It’s just so special and I can’t wait to see the group grow each year as we make this an annual summer picnic! Thanks to Keeley @_tryingtobeamum_ who organised it all and provided the gin and tonic!

Meet-ups continue with members of Paths to Parenthub, plus there are still a handful of tickets for my event in Leeds in Oct where you can spend the day learning and connecting with others who are parents through donor conception (link in bio).

Thank you to all who came today to make it so special, I’m so sorry I didn’t have chance to speak to everyone! 💛

Whenever there's a news article that relates to fe

Whenever there's a news article that relates to fertility treatment it's almost inevitable that the comment threads will be filled with misconceptions, a lack of empathy, along with incorrect and hurtful assumptions, mostly from people who have never walked this path. I'd always suggest avoiding these because they can be hugely triggering and even now I feel infuriated by the lack of understanding. I wanted to respond (in brief) to just a few of the most common themes I see, with many of you responding to my stories over the past 24 hours echoing my own feelings!

Some of these relate to infertility and fertility treatment in general, with some more specifically relating to the NHS and fertility treatment, which is often a controversial and divisive subject in comment threads. This post isn't intended to get into the nitty gritty of NHS funding allocations, but having seen that 68.8% of couples (according to @hertility_health reproductive report 2022) don't have access to NHS funded treatment, this is an ever important issue for providing equal access to those needing fertility treatment.

Infertility is something that is hugely misunderstood, until you go through it you have no idea the impact it can have on your life, your mental health, your relationships, your work and finances and, ultimately, your future. My hope is that we can start to dispel some of these misconceptions and ill-informed views, encouraging more people to put themselves in someone else's shoes, expand their thinking and simply apply some empathy.

It's impossible to cover everything in just one post, I'd love to hear anything you'd add to the above?

(Inspired by comments relating to yesterdays news of the first UK womb transplant but reflective of so many articles I’ve seen over the years, especially The Daily Mail - definitely avoid those comment sections!!)

#fertilitytreatment #ivf #ivfjourney #infertility #infertilityawareness #fertilityawareness #ttccommunity #ivfcommunity

Our event in October is designed for all stages of

Our event in October is designed for all stages of the donor conception journey. The story doesn't end when you have a baby, another one begins, which is why it is so important for us as parents to prepare ourselves for some of the additional complexities that having a donor conceived child may bring. This may include talking to your child, but to loved ones too. Becoming more comfortable in your story & having confidence, & the words, to share it is a big part of why Paths to Parenthub exists & will be a focus in one of our workshops during the full day event. We'll be joined by the amazing Gerry McCluskey, a fertility counsellor with tons of experience, compassion & guidance about how to form your family building narrative.

Huge thanks to Heather who attended last year & shared how the day had helped her as a parent to an egg donor conceived child. There's so much to get out of the day if you're pregnant or parenting after DC, you may have already made the big step in making the decision, but it's also important to look after ourselves & prepare to be the best possible support we can be for our kids.

You'll hear from other recipient parents as part of our varied panel, learn from donor conceived individuals as they share & answer questions about their experience, be a part of a workshop reflecting on some of the losses along the way with Julianne Boutaleb from @parenthoodinmind, & take part in a workshop alongside other parents designed to support with talking about your family story.

There are some tickets left for those pregnant/parenting after DC, you can read more in the link in my bio. To answer a few FAQ's:
-I don't have another in-person event planned in the near future, there's so much that goes into organising these!
-It won't be streamed virtually, I want to allow for discussion in the room within a safe, private environment.
-For additional virtual support, the @paths_to_parenthub membership has so much varied, supportive content for you!

I would absolutely love to welcome you there! Be quick, more than two thirds of tickets have already sold!

Thanks again to @altruieggdonor by @apricity.life who have helped to make this event possible. 💛

TELLING OUR STORY - It isn’t easy to condense ou

TELLING OUR STORY - It isn’t easy to condense our story down into less than 30 seconds, but I wanted to share the very basic building blocks that we talk to our girls about, in an age appropriate way. Since an early age each of our girls can recount how they came to be in simple terms, which is starting to evolve as they begin to understand more. Terminology will likely change as they grow & begin to take ownership of their story, but it will be something they’ve always known about - a story told with pride.

One thing for sure is that these conversations don’t have to be scary, they can actually be a beautiful way of building bonds & trust from an early age. It’s an authentic, real story of both adversity & love, one that shows vulnerability & that we’re only human. They know that Mummy & Daddy wanted to have a baby, just like them, & that we were sad when we thought that we might not be able to. I emphasise that we wanted ‘them’ as I want them to know that THEY are all we ever wanted & that they’re not in any way ‘second best’ because we couldn’t use my eggs.

There’s more to add to the story as questions start being asked, which is where I feel we have an important role to play in being honest & supportive, whilst managing their expectations around our egg donor too. I’ll continue to share my reflections & experiences as we navigate this part of parenthood.

Telling from an early age doesn’t mean that there won’t be challenges ahead in the future, but it lays positive foundations with something that they’re always aware of, allowing them to process what it means for them within a supportive family environment.

As part of my upcoming October event (link in bio) there will be a professionally led workshop based all around this topic called ‘owning your story’, designed to give more confidence around sharing it with others and your child. I would love to welcome you there.

PS - I’ve shared this before but wanted to share again for a new audience & as a reminder that it doesn’t have to be scary! 💛

At times, I catch myself staring at our girls, in

At times, I catch myself staring at our girls, in complete awe & love with everything about them. A contrast to when I placed so much emphasis on physical features & resemblance as I struggled to move to donor eggs.

Throughout pregnancy the question about what my child would look like was always there,I felt superficial for even thinking it, but it lingered.
How would I feel if my child clearly resembled our donor?
Would it trigger me forever?
Would it be obvious to others that we don't share DNA?
It was hard to imagine a point beyond where all of this paled into insignificance.

Now it has. I look at them & see them for the special individuals they are. "She looks like herself" is the truest phrase I know. Their gorgeous curls, sparkling blue eyes, beautiful long lashes & freckles sprinkled across their noses. With obvious similarities to Matt & each other, the shape of a nose, eye colour, endless long legs, & also features that are likely from our donor, such as curls (although having never seen a picture it's hard to know for sure). If I look at them & try to picture our donor, I struggle to form an image of her in my mind.

Mila says she thinks the donor put a curl into her egg - such a beautiful childlike way of starting to connect the dots in how she shares genetics with someone else. I love this now, but if you'd have told me when pregnant my child would share a clear feature of our donor & that it would be something they talked about, I'd have struggled with the thought.

I'll always feel an element of grief over not being able to share DNA, occasionally wishing for a less complicated story (mainly for them), but that doesn't mean I'd change anything about them. They're all perfect & I'm so lucky to be their mum. It's amazing how feelings can shift & time can heal, especially as I've become more comfortable in my role as 'mum'. I also now see myself in them in ways that I'd never even imagined before - in personalities, mannerisms, temperament & sense of humour.

Resemblances don't always have to be physical & certainly aren't what connect you to your child. Our girls are completely unique & adored, both for their similarities & their differences too.

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