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Guest Blog
Infertility
Donor Conception
Baby Loss

I’m Becky, an incredibly grateful 34 year old donor egg IVF mum to three beautiful girls. I live in the UK with my husband Matt as well as Mila, aged 3 and twins Eska and Lena, aged 2.

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Healthline Infertility Best Blogs 2020

Until you're unable to conceive with your own gene

Until you're unable to conceive with your own genetics I don't believe it's something you'd ever give a second thought to. It's a loss & a feeling that can be hard to put into words. It's losing something you'd always unknowingly taken for granted, something you'd always thought would be a given & something that suddenly becomes so visible in other families. It's grieving the loss of not being able to pass on your DNA & leaving this earth knowing that your 'legacy' in this sense isn't going to exist any more. It often comes layered on top of many other losses too - the inability to conceive naturally, failed IVF & baby loss.

Having to then consider building your family in a different way is also difficult to describe. It makes you ask complex questions of yourself you've never imagined having to consider, deep questions that the majority don't even have to think about. It's about making compromises* on your route to parenthood, finding compromises you're willing to accept, pushing your boundaries & testing relationships along the way, as you try to agree on how far you're willing to go in pursuit of your dream. It's seeing past everything that society presents as important in a family, all whilst the most innocent conversations around resemblances, heritage & family connections are seemingly amplified.

It's knowing you won't visually see yourself in your child, you won't have that 'mini-me' you'd always imagined. It's grieving the loss of a dream you've always held & needing to redefine a new dream. It takes a lot of faith to move forward with so many unknowns.

In reality, what I've now found is that I've gained so much more in what I've lost. Our girls are everything to me, I know that DNA doesn't define our relationships & has no bearing on my capacity to love & to mother. Genetics have no influence on our day-to-day, our bonds or love - our connections come from our relationships with one another.

Having experienced the loss of my ability to pass on my genetics, I know that it's normal to occasionally still feel sad about our losses, even later down the line,I've said many times that grief & joy can co-exist.
Continued in comments (it’s a long one😂)…

Yesterday evening I joined a live streamed play ca

Yesterday evening I joined a live streamed play called "Don't Ask Don't Get, Baby" written & performed by Alice Underwood @happy_accident_theatre who was conceived through IVF & egg donation, something she discovered at the age of 15. I wasn't quite sure what to expect but was intrigued as to how such a personal story would be brought to life in a 45 minute, one woman show.

Wow! It was truly captivating, emotional & so incredibly insightful, particularly her portrayal of the impact on her identity during her teenage years & how certain biology topics at school were triggering to her. Seeing this brought to life through the arts was not only refreshing but allowed a multi-dimensional view, with greater depth of feelings brought to life.

I don't want to give too much away as I think you should go & watch it for yourself, but I wanted to share this quote because it absolutely floored me 😭, in fact the whole ending did. To me it so perfectly describes the impact that we as non-genetic parents through donor conception can have on our children. We may not share resemblances but we shape & mould them constantly throughout their lives through nurture. This is also a message Alice portrays so powerfully too - it's not nature vs nurture...it's both.

The play is being performed live at The Space in London tonight at 7.30pm & tomorrow at 2.30pm / 7.30pm & I’ve been told that the recording of the live streamed version from last night will be available soon to purchase (I’ll share the link in my stories when it’s live). This isn’t an ad or affiliate link - I just highly recommend it!

It's well worth a watch to gain an insight into the experience & perspective of someone who is donor conceived, perspectives that we as parents can all learn from. It does get quite emotional at times, especially in the middle, but do stay with it until the end. I'm grateful to have connected with Alice & we'll hopefully be following this up with a Q&A soon, there are so many themes that emerged that I’d love to talk about - watch this space!

If you watched do let me know your thoughts too! 💛

Words shared in comments at the end of a previous post that I thought were important to keep on the grid, as they sum up some of my learnings about the emotional complexities & considerations that all form part of being a parent through donor conception.

It's being grateful, without the expectation that they should be grateful too. My hope is that they will be, but I don't ever want to dismiss any curiosity or questions with a response that suggests an expectation of gratitude, such as "if we hadn't made this decision, you wouldn't be here".

It's expressing how much we wanted them & love them for who they are, as we tell them the story of how they came to be. I want our girls to know that they're not a 'plan b', it was the path to getting to them that was different - they're all we ever wanted & more!

It's accepting that there's someone out there who is a 'genetic parent', learning that this can co-exist & doesn't diminish my role as their mum. If I'm really honest, I still feel uncomfortable at times with the term 'parent' or 'mother' being used to describe our donor as I personally feel 'parenting' & 'mothering' are related to things that you do...an act & an intention, but I also know that in factual, scientific terms our donor is their 'genetic parent' & it's up to our girls to ultimately decide how we refer to her as they grow.

It's knowing that genetics don't make a family or equal love, but understanding that this doesn't mean that genetics won't be important to them. One doesn't outweigh or diminish the other, both can be true & curiosity doesn't take anything away from our relationship.

At times it's felt like swinging on a pendulum of emotions, trying to balance it all, but it's definitely become much easier over time. It's a process, one that has led me to now understand my previous fears so that they no longer dominate. This is why I created @Paths_to_Parenthub, to support others in exploring all of these complexities in a safe place, with others who understand. I'd love to welcome you to our community - you can find out how to join the the membership through the link in my bio. 💛

Today Natalie, Claire & I, co-founders of this @fe

Today Natalie, Claire & I, co-founders of this @fertilitymattersatwork initiative, spent the day together in Manchester working on something BIG! I'm excited because we're making huge progress in a potentially transformational project to be rolled out to workplaces to support them in supporting you through the challenges of undergoing fertility treatment in the workplace.

I remember one of the biggest challenges for me as we underwent round after round of IVF was balancing it all with the demands of a full time job, in fact IVF actually felt like a second full time job in itself. We all understand from our own personal experiences just how challenging it can be in the workplace - worries about confidentiality, feelings of shame, the countless triggers and inappropriate comments, questioning whether it will be taken seriously, fears of being overlooked for promotions, the inability to plan, the guilt of feeling like a burden, the constant time off needed for appointments, the impact on concentration, focus and performance as well as the relentless emotional and physical toll that it can take. We are determined to raise awareness and create a more open, empathetic, flexible and supportive environment for those experiencing fertility struggles or loss in the workplace.

Here are just a few pics from our very hot 🥵 day together filming ready for launch in a few weeks time.

Do come and follow our progress over at @fertilitymattersatwork as we start to share more about what’s coming very soon! 💛

#fertilitymattersatwork #fertilitymatters #fertilityatwork #fertilityintheworkplace

It's been a while since I shared a blog post but t

It's been a while since I shared a blog post but today I'm sharing a Q&A with Dr Marilyn Crawshaw, a researcher into the outcomes of donor assisted conception, all about why we should be talking to our children about their conception. Written for my recent family & friends resource, I found her responses so succinct, important & powerful that I decided to share them here in a blog too (linked in bio), especially as she addresses some of the key questions that may arise when understanding the need to talk to our children about their origins (swipe right).

"Times are changing, but some people may still wonder why there is a need to even tell a donor-conceived child how they were conceived, why it’s important if they already have a family who love them, & whether it might do more harm than good to know that they don’t share genes with one, or both, of their parents. Whether these are questions you are asking yourself, discussing with your partner or are questions you’re facing when talking to others, hopefully this Q&A will provide some compelling answers, based on research into lived experiences."

Even though conversations have progressed over recent years, with a clear push towards being open, but there are still occasions I hear of where professionals are advising parents not to tell & parents are facing challenging opinions from others. Talking to our children about something so emotional can bring great fear too. It's not an easy conversation, it can be hugely emotional & leave us feeling vulnerable, which is why I share what I do here & have created my platform of support, information & community within @paths_to_parenthub. This is a topic we've focused on many times on PTPHub, with numerous webinars sharing both professional research & lived experiences (both from recipient parents & donor conceived individuals) designed to support both early conversations & adapting as our children grow. These are all available for @paths_to_parenthub members to watch back, learn from & share with partners too.

You can read the blog & join the membership through the linktr.ee in my bio. I hope you find it useful - please do share if you feel it will help others! 💛

Genetics aren't what make me a mum, but they are a

Genetics aren't what make me a mum, but they are a part of what makes them who they are.

Epigenetics are real, but they don't cancel out the role of genetics.

Nurture is a continuous process, but nature is always there too.

All are true without diminishing one another.

There are so many different facets to donor conception, it's not just one dimensional, but a multi-faceted, complex, relational process. It involves considering & accepting all of the above, not just the ones that make us feel most secure. Both epigenetics & nurture are processes I find fascinating & take huge comfort in, knowing how (despite the absence of a genetic link) I've had a huge influence on who they are today, but this doesn't erase the fact that our girls' genetics come from Matt & our donor.

I've heard donor conceived individuals frustrated by the intense focus put on epigenetics by both recipient parents & the fertility industry too. The frustration I've heard is that it can suggest that any curiosity they may have about genetic origins shouldn’t be important to them - Allie @halfofmepodcast speaks about this really eloquently in her most recent episode & update. BOTH can be true & can co-exist together, just like when I talk about joy & grief so often going hand-in-hand on this journey.

As a parent, I don't want our girls to ever feel like I'm dismissing any curiosity they may have about their origins simply by shifting the emphasis to these other influences. It’s not to say I won’t celebrate the impact that epigenetics & nurture have had, but to also acknowledge that there is more at play.

I know that if they ever wish to know more, it's not because they don't love me or are missing anything from our relationship, it's natural curiosity & doesn't mean that they're looking for another 'mum'. That’s doesn’t mean that it still doesn’t scare me, but genetics were important enough for me to grieve, so I think it would be unfair for me to expect that they won't have any interest in them. Of course they may well not, but I feel it's important as a parent to be open to all questions, no matter how hard, & to prepare myself for this too.

Continued in comments...

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