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Guest Blog
Infertility
Donor Conception
Baby Loss

I’m Becky, an incredibly grateful 34 year old donor egg IVF mum to three beautiful girls. I live in the UK with my husband Matt as well as Mila, aged 3 and twins Eska and Lena, aged 2.

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Healthline Infertility Best Blogs 2020

Putting yourself out there on social media is hard

Putting yourself out there on social media is hard. Putting yourself out there in relation to a topic that, not only is the closest thing to your heart, but also one that has historically been shrouded in shame, with different & controversial viewpoints (from two ends of a spectrum that have experienced grief & trauma) is even harder. It's sharing your most vulnerable parts & opening yourself up to comments, viewpoints & opinions surrounding that. I'm not naive to think that it won't be hard sometimes, but it doesn't mean that things don't upset me. I'm grateful that I don't get much negativity, but this morning I was triggered by a blog post comment.

I've developed a thicker skin over the past couple of years, I've listened, I've learned, I've been sensitive to & adjusted my language & some of my original viewpoints too. I share my reflections with the hope of influencing others, not only with hope for a future family & the joy that comes with it, but also being realistic about some of the things we have to consider on this path to parenthood. Things that at times I wish I didn't have to even consider, but as a mum I know it's my responsibility to think about. Over the past two years I've come across experiences & perspectives that I otherwise wouldn't have been exposed to if I hadn't shared so publicly & (as difficult as it's been at times) I'm glad that I have because I feel that I'm better prepared for whatever comes our way.

I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say with this post & I certainly don't share it to be all "woe is me", but I like to be honest about different emotions & I think that showing vulnerability is important. I believe that as parents (& parents-to-be) engaging & wanting to learn here & over on @paths_to_parenthub we are simply trying to do our best in a situation we'd never anticipated or imagined. Donor conception is a complex topic & I've found that the grief involved isn't easy to process - it can be incredibly complex & confusing, especially when it's interwoven with so much joy & love at the same time.

It's not black & white...
(Cont. in comments)

I've been meaning to reintroduce myself after many

I've been meaning to reintroduce myself after many joined me around #donorconceptionawarenessday!

As a mum to 3 amazing girls all thanks to egg donation, I'm passionate about opening up conversations around infertility & normalising different paths to parenthood, particularly donor conception. I know from experience how incredibly beautiful, but also challenging this path can be, from being told you may not conceive using your genetics, right through to parenting a donor conceived child.

Truth is, the majority of us facing infertility never imagined that we'd need to use a donor to build our family. It can be a loss of a dream we've always had, with a need to reconceive a new dream. It's only now I'm on the other side that I realise the sheer magnitude of this 'journey', the grief I didn't even realise I was experiencing & the emotional rollercoaster of extreme fears, hopes & dreams all rolled into one.

Using a donor is often seen as 'the answer', allowing us to finally bring a baby home. Practically this may be true when treatment works, but it is far more complex than this, which is why I talk openly about the multitude of feelings that can crop up along the way.

@iamdonorconceived sums up the challenges we face perfectly with these words (swipe right). An emotional shift that needs to take place to allow us to best prepare ourselves to best support our children, focusing on & looking after ourselves so that we can work towards all of these things. We need better emotional support throughout the whole journey, & I ask clinics to consider whether one mandatory counselling session is really enough?

Many of us can feel very alone, with few people around us who truly understand. My advice if you're struggling would be to seek out some counselling, find someone to talk to & don't bottle your feelings up. My platform @Paths_to_parenthub is a great base to find peer to peer support, whilst at the same time celebrating the joy & love that this pathway can also bring. There's a wealth of information, support groups, open conversations about the fears we may have & a counselling directory for you to find more individualised support.

Continued in comments..

Such a lovely weekend, aside from the awful weathe

Such a lovely weekend, aside from the awful weather! It was my Dad's birthday & it felt so good to actually celebrate together. He turned to me out of the blue & said "I'm so proud of you, those girls are everything to us. You know that genetics don't impact how we feel about them, we couldn't love them any more than we do".

I share this simply because, as much as it can be hard for us to envisage how we ourselves may feel about a child that isn't genetically linked to us, it can be equally hard to imagine how the rest of our family will feel too. I’m lucky that my parents knew all along as we struggled to conceive & came to our own decision to use donor eggs, they never questioned it & supported us throughout. They've even said how much they've learned just by following my account. I'm pleased that we don't have to carry this alone & they're here to support us as we share our girls' story with them, knowing that should they talk about it or have any questions, our family is all on the same page.

I know talking to friends & family can feel huge & is often a major fear when embarking on this path.
What will they think?
Will they accept them?
How do you tell them when it's such an emotive topic that isn't usually spoken about?
That's why I'm currently creating a resource to try & help with these conversations. To educate, share the reality & raise awareness of how they can best support you as a family. I know each family is individual & there can be different complexities to face, but hopefully this will provide a supportive tool to open up conversations.

Although it will become our girls story, right now it's still a family story, one that I feel goes beyond just Matt, myself & our girls. I'm pleased that both our families are a part of it too, as Grandparents, Uncles, Aunts & cousins, they are 100% there for us all every step of the way. I'm fortunate that this is our reality & I hope that the new resource I'm creating will help others towards this too, normalising this path to parenthood & ensuring that our children are supported not only by their parents, but by their wider family too. 💛

These words were shared with me by Martha, whose Q

These words were shared with me by Martha, whose Q&A I posted earlier this week on #donorconceptionawarenessday. I know some of the perspectives & experiences shared may have caused alarm within some of you. It's hard not to feel instant terror at the thought of your child feeling upset in any way, but what we can do is learn about how we can best support them & do things differently.

It's important to remember that, just because they might be curious about their genetic origins, it doesn't mean that they don't love us as parents. Just like we love them whole-heartedly, even though their genetics don't originate from us. I've said it before - genetics are not a requirement for love, & that works both ways.

So much of what I've read this week just affirmed my belief in the need for emotional support on this journey, at whatever stage we're at. Preparing ourselves to be truthful, to work through any shame or grief we may feel & to accept & empathise that they may have questions, or even frustrations at not being able to know more. It's not something that happens overnight, it's a process & one that I'm still on myself. That's why I believe so much in what I've created in @Paths_to_Parenthub. Information, support, connection, validation within a safe community environment. It's not a replacement for counselling, but it can really help to feel less alone, whilst exploring some of the deep-rooted fears & emotions that can come with this path to parenthood & are rarely talked about.

One thing I said in my vlog (linked in bio) was that I'd hate for parents to be missing out on all of the joy that this amazing journey can bring, being so wrapped up in worry about the future. It's important for us to think about these things, but also to be kind to ourselves too & allow ourselves to be present in these much longed for moments that we are so grateful for.

I'm going to be taking a little break from insta, this week has felt a little heavy for me too & I'm feeling the need to be more present with our girls. I also want to allow myself time to focus on some projects I've got in the pipeline that will offer even more support through Paths to Parenthub! 💛

I'm continuing to share experiences from those who

I'm continuing to share experiences from those who are donor conceived themselves, a vital perspective for us to understand & learn from as parents through donor conception. I thought this was very apt for today which is #donorconceptionawarenessday, a day highlighting the importance of hearing all perspectives.

Last week I shared the experience of Chloe & today I'm sharing the thoughts & feelings of Martha*, who is also a UK born egg donor conceived individual.

As I did before, I want to acknowledge that some of the experiences & viewpoints in this Q&A series might not be easy for us as parents to hear, especially where elements of their conception have ultimately caused distress to them as individuals. As a parent who used an anonymous donor, I found parts of Martha's story particularly difficult & I know some of you will do too. (If you haven't yet watched my 'vlog' on this topic I've tried to unpack some of my thoughts & emotions from a parent perspective - the link is now in my bio.)

I think it's important to hear these stories as a way to prepare ourselves as parents for how our child might feel in the future, whilst also holding onto the perspective that (as Martha acknowledges herself) there can be such a wide spectrum of responses. Martha’s story gives us a particular insight into the impact that donor anonymity has had on her throughout her teenage years, after learning about her conception from a letter at the age of 12. You can read more through the link in my bio.

I want to say thank you to Martha for so bravely opening up about something that has clearly been very difficult for her, whilst using her experience to educate us as parents. I'm sure you will share my gratitude too. 💛

#idcad #dcad #donorconception #donorconceived #donorconceptionawareness

Julianne @parenthoodinmind shared these words from

Julianne @parenthoodinmind shared these words from @kirstencorley yesterday & they couldn't have resonated any more. I've learnt over this past year to be kinder to myself & at peace with my decisions, especially as they have led me to where I am today with our three incredible girls in our lives, who I wouldn't change for the world.

I've been wanting to share for a while now my reflections on our use of an anonymous donor. It's a question I always get asked, one that has been subject to criticism in the past & so my reflections come from a very personal & vulnerable place. I've tried writing this as a blog post but it's been taking me an age to do so & so I decided to try something new & 'talk it out', which I suppose has become my very first (& possibly last!) Vlog.

It seemed timely to talk about this as I'm sharing viewpoints about anonymous donation from those who have been conceived in this way. I know as well as most, just how difficult some of these struggles can be to hear as a parent, especially a parent who has made a choice with no intention of causing any hurt or distress, but one which means finding our donor (if they would like to) will be more challenging (albeit hopefully not impossible).

My hope is that in sharing this it helps those who are in a similar position to me feel less alone, whilst also reminding us to be kind to ourselves too. For those still to go down this path, it may provide a useful insight into how feelings can shift over time & I believe it's always useful to bring these conversations out into the open.

For anyone struggling with this, know that you're not alone & it's ok to reach out to talk to someone about it. It's a topic that comes up regularly in the @Paths_to_Parenthub community & one I feel passionately about making sure there is support out there for parents so that we can be best prepared to support our children.

I haven't uploaded my video to IGTV, as it feels very personal, but I want to give those who would like to watch the chance to do so with the private link in my stories today. If you miss it send me a DM & I'll share it with you.
As always do let me know if it resonates 💛
📷 @yourbeautifullife

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