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Guest Blog
Infertility
Donor Conception
Baby Loss

I’m Becky, an incredibly grateful 34 year old donor egg IVF mum to three beautiful girls. I live in the UK with my husband Matt as well as Mila, aged 3 and twins Eska and Lena, aged 2.

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Healthline Infertility Best Blogs 2020

In the midst of our chaotic bedtime tonight I lit

In the midst of our chaotic bedtime tonight I lit a candle as part of the #waveoflight, collectively remembering all of the babies who didn't get to come home. I'd hoped to have our girls in bed by 7pm but instead it felt particularly heartwarming to share this moment with them (at least until Lena blew out the candle and the others cried!).

It's a bittersweet date for us, almost 7 years to the day since we said goodbye to our first baby but also 6 years to the day since Mila, Eska and Lena were actually created - the day of our donors egg collection. It really feels like everything has come full circle at this particular time. As I said at the start of this week, this time of year brings up sadness & grief around what could have been, but then I look at our girls & I could cry because, without this loss, I wouldn't have them...& that is unimaginable. I've felt guilt for still grieving this loss, knowing that without it I wouldn't be where I am today, as well as guilt for not thinking about our first baby often enough. It can be conflicting and confusing feeling happy, when something so sad paved the way for what we’re so lucky to have today. It’s complex, messy and beautiful all at the same time.

Tonight as a family we light this candle for all of the babies who are not with us and are sending love to everyone who needs it tonight. 💛

#blaw #babylossawarenessweek #blaw2021 #youarenotalone

It's 2 and a half years now since I first met this

It's 2 and a half years now since I first met this wonderful lady after becoming friends through these squares. We’re pictured here at an event together, for the life of me I can't remember what we were laughing at but I do know that you can't help but smile when you're around Alice! I remember finding her content when just starting out here and have been inspired ever since by her generosity, openness and sheer brilliance in giving a voice to those on the difficult journey to conceive, helping them to feel less alone and to know that there's so much more to them than their fertility.

If you haven't already seen, Alice has opened the doors again for a limited time to her 6 week RECLAIM course running weekly (with recordings if you miss it) from October 20th to December 6th, bringing together all of her mindset work.

I've actually had the pleasure of having a sneak peak inside the course not too long ago and can confirm that it is beautifully created with the aim of connecting, validating and bringing together those who are on this incredibly difficult TTC journey. Alice doesn't claim to be able to "get you pregnant" or make all of the difficult stuff go away, but what she offers has the potential to make you think differently about not only this particular journey but also everything else that's a part of you too.

The doors to this course are only open until Tuesday 19th October so go have a look and see if you think it's for you, if you have any questions please ask Alice @thisisalicerose.

I've popped the link to sign up in the linktr.ee in my bio (and in my stories too), plus you can get 15% off with the code BECKY15.

#affiliate #ad #fertilitysupport #mindset #infertilitysupport

"Mummy, can you sing your songs to me please?" Mil

"Mummy, can you sing your songs to me please?" Mila asked tonight as I laid with her for a little longer than usual as she didn't feel well. As she grows it's not very often she asks for this anymore, but whenever she's feeling vulnerable she always wants me to lie down and sing to her.

It took me back to when I first remember singing these songs on repeat, three years ago on holiday in Cyprus Mila was taken by ambulance to hospital after a bad bout of croup, it was terrifying. For the next 12 hours she was monitored and I lay next to her singing "You are my sunshine" and "The frog song" (with a unique twist involving kisses before every 'la-de-da-de-da') on repeat. Since then, whenever I've sung these songs to her she visibly relaxes and tonight was no exception, she turned to me, grinned and hugged me tight.

I came across this picture of us from that night three years ago, mummy and daughter lying together, whilst pregnant with Eska and Lena. If only I could have pictured this when worrying about whether I'd share a connection without sharing genetics with my child.

It's these moments, these comforts and these connections that bond us together, not DNA. She'll always remember mummy singing to her and I'll never forget how lucky I am to be able to. It's times like this that truly redefine for me what it means to be a mum, the intentions, what we do, how we feel and how we love. I thought I'd share as a little reminder 💛

#donoreggs #deivf #deivfmama #deivfsuccess #donoreggmama #definingmum #pathstoparenthood

Today I'm delighted to be sharing Hayley's incredi

Today I'm delighted to be sharing Hayley's incredibly unique and insightful @dcp_journey_2_rp story with you all on my blog (link in my bio). Hayley discovered she was conceived using a sperm donor back in 2015, which understandably came as a huge shock to her. Not long after, she and her wife grew their family through donor conception and so, not only does she have the perspective of someone who is donor conceived, but also that of a non-genetic recipient parent too.

I connected with Hayley less than two weeks ago and have already had hours of conversation with her (we both love to talk!) sharing insights that are incredibly useful for us as parents in a relatable, empathetic and understandable way. I'm delighted to have connected with her and am looking forward to working together to provide better support to parents on this path to parenthood.

To kick this off we're going to do a joint instalive next Friday 15th October at 10.30am BST to answer your questions - please have a read of Hayley's blog and submit them in the comments here or through the question box in my stories.

We're planning to continue working together to improve the dialogue and understanding through respectful conversations, empathy and continual learning with members over in Paths to Parenthub as we'll be working to unpick the topics quite often referred to as the "elephant in the room".

I'm so grateful to Hayley for sharing so generously and am happy to have her invaluable input as a DCP, RP and member of the LGBTQ community on future content over on @paths_to_parenthub!

Do give her a follow @dcp_journey_2_rp as she shares her insights and story as it continues to unfold.

#donorconception #donorconceived #recipientparent #definingmum #guestblog #donoreggs #donorsperm #doubledonation #embryodonation #pathstoparenthub #pathstoparenthood

It's almost seven years since we lost our only ba

It's almost seven years since we lost our only baby conceived with my own eggs.

Baby Loss Awareness Week always brings up such a complex mix of emotions for me, especially as 13th October is the seven year anniversary of our loss.

It brings up sadness & grief around what could have been, but then I look at our girls & I could cry because, without this loss, I wouldn't have them...& that is unimaginable. I've felt guilt for still grieving this loss, knowing that without it I wouldn't be where I am today, as well as guilt for not thinking about this baby often enough. It can be conflicting and confusing feeling happy, when something so sad paved the way for what we’re so lucky to have today.

What I've learned more than anything on this path is that conflicting emotions are completely normal & that both grief & joy can co-exist, without one diminishing the other. Me feeling grief about our miscarriage doesn't take away from how grateful & happy I am to now have our girls. It also doesn't mean that I love any of our babies any less, the amount of love I have isn't finite.

Donor conception in itself is complex, donor conception after loss even more-so. That's why I'm so pleased to be honouring Baby Loss Awareness Week over on @Paths_to_Parenthub this week with a very special, gentle webinar with Julianne @parenthoodinmind all about Donor Conception after Loss.

"Loss is often a defining variable in the journey to parenthood through donor conception – the loss of our fertility, how we’d imagined it would be, genetic issues to pregnancy & baby loss. In the face of multiple losses how is it possible to hold onto hope & redefine a new dream with donor conception?”

Julianne & I will talk about grief & how it can impact our decision making, future treatment cycles, pregnancy & parenting our rainbow baby after loss & in the context of donor conception. Our hope is that you will find your feelings validated & realise you’re not alone, with so many of us on this path to parenthood having experienced loss in some way.

You can join Paths to Parenthub through the link in my bio, I’d love to welcome you there within our supportive community of those who truly understand 💛

I wonder if I'd have found it easier if someone ha

I wonder if I'd have found it easier if someone had told me that this path was a process & that "you won't always feel this way". I've found that we shift, we learn, we become more comfortable, we realise what's important, we accept our reality & what that means for us over time. We also realise that, although their conception is an important part of our family story, it is only a part of it, with so much more within our day-to-day which makes us, us.

It's amazing how fears & worries around donor conception can shift & change over time, which is why I share my reflections & insights now, understanding just how overwhelming it can all feel, particularly in those early days.

As our children grow & I move away from those initial fears, the biggest question & one remaining fear I still hold is around how our girls might feel & how we can best support them in understanding their story, helping them as they navigate what it means for them. I suppose as parents we always worry about how our children will feel, never wanting them to experience any hurt or difficult feelings, but with donor conception it comes with a thick added layer of anxiety & complexity, requiring preparation for more conscious, sometimes uncomfortable, conversations which need to be held openly & with empathy. I particularly feel this more having used an anonymous donor, not having the control or option to give them information that could help as they form their identity. But what is in my control now is how I prepare myself.

We'll all see these fears differently, deal with these fears differently & grow at different paces, but the starting point is to recognise them. There are many conversations with professionals & those with lived experiences within @Paths_to_Parenthub to help you to start to explore your worries & understand them better, plus a community to validate & support you along the way within a safe space. I’m planning some more focused content on this too.
I’d love to hear whether your feelings have shifted over time & if it helps to know that these things can change as we change and grow? 💛

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