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by Defining Mum | Feb 11, 2019 | 0 comments

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Infertility
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I’m Becky, an incredibly grateful 34 year old donor egg IVF mum to three beautiful girls. I live in the UK with my husband Matt as well as Mila, aged 3 and twins Eska and Lena, aged 2.

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Healthline Infertility Best Blogs 2020

Whilst we’re away (and I’ve managed a quiet mo

Whilst we’re away (and I’ve managed a quiet moment with everyone still in bed) I thought I’d share with you my new & improved beautiful website www.definingmum.com. It’s something I’ve been working on making easier to navigate & wanting to look much more professional! My DIY blog site created by my incredible friend Lucy @lucyjanemac has grown significantly in content, and is about to grow even more over the next couple of months.
Now, all in one place you can read not only my own blog posts on donor conception and infertility in general, but also lots of personal, emotive and hugely relatable guest blogs, searchable by category. There are also links to all of the podcasts and articles I've contributed to, all in one place within the 'Media' section.
I'm excited and so proud of the platform I've created here, something which is only just the beginning, with lots going on behind the scenes right now to expand this virtual support even further.
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I’m also honoured to have been named one of the ‘best blogs 2020’ in the top infertility blogs category by @healthline & one of the top 10 egg donation blogs by @mysurrogate (a little bit niche so I’m sure it’s not too difficult to get into the top 10, but still lovely to be recognised!).
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As always, if there is anything in particular you'd like to hear more about please let me know, and if you would like to personally contribute a guest blog just email me at definingmum@gmail.com. All stories are welcome, whatever stage of the journey you are at. I plan to share them every Monday, with the exception of this week being away on holiday.
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Bit of a shameless plug now, but I'd LOVE it if you could share this post to reach more people who might benefit from the support I'm sharing with the aim of making those experiencing infertility and donor conception feel less alone.
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Right, I'm heading back to relax mode - I can’t believe how lucky we are to have booked just in time for lockdown easing and in the most beautiful place! I’ve included a picture of the views as they are off the scale! We’re off to the beach today which I’m sure the girls are going to love. 💛

“Maybe the storm isn’t taking you away from so

“Maybe the storm isn’t taking you away from something you thought you really needed, but closer to something better than you could ever imagine.”
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This quote shared by @happytogetherchildrensbook was so perfect for how I feel, it seemed fitting to use it today on our Mila’s 4th birthday! Swipe right for the beautiful image from @apeaceofwerk .
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I still can’t believe she’s 4, I’m torn between wanting to press pause to keep her as this hilarious, loving, innocent little girl whilst also wanting to just let time run to experience even more moments of joy with her and see who she becomes. Her sense of humour, empathy, love and kindness never fails to amaze me, as do some of the phrases she comes out with!
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Four years ago my life changed forever for the better, I wouldn’t wish for anyone other than Mila as my daughter and my best friend. Feeling like the luckiest & most grateful mum in the world!
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Wishing you the happiest of birthdays sweetheart!
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#birthdaygirl #4today #mumofgirls #grateful #deivfmama #deivfsuccess #rainbowbaby #donoreggs #hope #definingmum

Waiting. More waiting. Along with 'uncertainty'

Waiting. More waiting.
Along with 'uncertainty' it's one of the main words I'd use to describe infertility.

Waiting for appointments.

Waiting for your period (hoping it wouldn't come).

Waiting for test results.

Waiting for protocols.

Waiting for answers to questions.

Waiting for drugs to arrive.

Waiting for egg collection.

Waiting for fertilisation results.

Waiting for the longest two weeks after embryo transfer.

Waiting to try again after a failed cycle.

Waiting (filled with anxiety) for a pregnancy scan if things go well.

Waiting for a donor match.

Waiting... simply just to be a parent, which is also frustratingly the one thing that everyone else seems to have so easily.

And then comes Covid...what must be one of the most frustrating waits of all.
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I am not a patient person in the slightest (Matt will vouch for this!) and so waiting became completely all-consuming for me. I became obsessive with checking my phone, checking my emails, totally fixated on the next milestone I was waiting for that could get me that one step closer to being a mum. The lack of communication or receipt of news from my clinic could literally make or break my day. Truth is, if something wasn't happening I felt like I was standing still, paralysed, when all I wanted to do was sprint for the finish line.
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I wonder what advice I'd give myself now. "Be patient" just wouldn't cut it, I remember hating it when someone would say that to me. It's impossible to force patience when you yearn for something so badly. In hindsight I'd tell myself that it's still possible to make space for other things in my life that could bring me some joy, & it’s important to focus on these too. Even just the littlest things on a day to day basis, things to help take it one day at a time. Interspersing treatment milestones with non treatment related experiences such as exploring places you’ve never been before, listen to your favourite music, re-discovering reading, planning favourite meals, taking long walks with your partner to talk about anything other than IVF.
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Continued in comments...

Today I'm sharing a guest blog which gives another

Today I'm sharing a guest blog which gives another important insight into the additional shame, stigma & challenge that is faced when dealing with infertility within the BAME community. Pooja specifically talks about her story being from a South Asian family, an experience which has left her passionate about sharing her story & helping other women who may be suffering in silence to know that they're not alone. Here's an extract from her guest blog, the link to the full post is in the link.tr.ee in my bio.
💛 "After three years trying to conceive, endless visits to the GP and countless heartbreaking negative pregnancy tests, my husband and I conceded that we would need a helping hand from science to have a baby. Because being a mum and having children naturally comes to define your success in many South Asian families, regardless of anything else you may have done, we weren’t able to share our struggle or the anxiety and sadness we felt, with our own families.

Even when we tried to subtly hint at the fact that we had been trying for some years, our struggle was met with confusion, and a hint of disappointment, that we weren’t as perfect as had always been assumed and expected of us.

This lack of awareness and taboo around fertility struggles in ethnic minority cultures unfortunately means couples from BAME groups don't have the same support networks as white couples. We’re not able to talk to our parents or friends about our issues as openly as others, & we don't get to tell those around us not to keep asking us personal questions about when we’re having kids. Cultural pressures and long standing protocols, which are wrong and need to be challenged, mean we continue to face a barrage of insensitive questions and comments, and this can often have a negative effect on our mental health."
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I want to say a huge thank you to Pooja for sharing her story on my blog, you can follow her over at @auntyjis_bangles_babies
If you would like to share your story, no matter what stage you are at, please email me at definingmum@gmail.com. I'm having a week off next week but will continue to share your stories every Monday for as long as I have them to share! 💛

Nurture. Nature. With donor conception it’s some

Nurture. Nature. With donor conception it’s something we can be particularly sensitive to as parents. Personally, I don't believe one is more important or influential than the other, we'll never truly know exactly what is down to genetics & what is down to the environment we create, and it doesn't really matter because we love them just the way they are. What I've found comforting however is knowing how every single day I have an opportunity in my role as their mum to shape them, teaching & influencing through our shared experiences. One quote which put it so simply read; "nature is your genes, nurture is your childhood”.
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I felt sadness at not being able to pass on my legacy through genetics. Now I am beyond grateful for the opportunity to nurture, realising that I am still able pass on my legacy, just in a different way. Spending the most time with them I constantly nurture our daughters, celebrating their uniqueness in personality, whilst raising them in a way that’s reflective of my values as a person & a mum.
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Before I had them, I wondered whether I'd get to truly experience the feeling of parental pride. With my focus being more-so on nature & what I was losing, I wondered whether I'd feel like I couldn’t take any kind of credit for how they act & behave because we’re not genetically related. I forgot about what I could still influence & I know now that these fears couldn't be further from the truth - pride is something I feel every day. Just this week hearing from nursery what "a delight" they are to be around, how positive, enthusiastic, polite & well mannered they are made my heart burst. I know I've played a part in influencing that, it's what they've learned & absorbed just by being around both myself and Matt, as we've role modelled these learned traits.
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As time passes I can see nurture taking its course, how they're becoming individuals with exuberant personalities, reflecting a combination of Matt & myself, with a uniqueness of their own too. I used to want to know what our child would be like, someone who reflected a combination of the both of us. Now, in a different way to what I'd imagined, we see this before us every single day.💛

I spoke on a webinar with @apricity.life this week

I spoke on a webinar with @apricity.life this week about the patient perspective & how it feels going through IVF.
How it can feel like you're losing control over your entire life.
How it can infiltrate every aspect of it - your relationships, your work, your finances, your self-esteem, your social plans (pre covid of course!) & your future.
It's full of uncertainty & waiting, putting trust in others to help you achieve your dream. I was asked what I wished I'd have known before embarking on IVF & what advice I'd give to others to help them feel more in control.
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1. Find others who are on or have been on the journey - speaking to those who understand will allow you to express yourself, validate your feelings, know that you're not overreacting & that you're not alone in feeling the way you do.
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2. Be your own advocate - when speaking to your clinic don't be afraid to ask questions. One that is often forgotten is about communication. Help manage your own expectations by asking how & when you should expect updates, but also say what would be helpful to you. So many unnecessary stresses centre around communication so it's worth mentioning this up front.
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3. Work is often a huge additional stress, especially with on average 9 appointments per IVF cycle to attend. If you're able to, disclosure means that (hopefully) the stress of trying to cover these absences is removed. Educate your employer as to what an IVF cycle entails & suggest that, with the unpredictable & frequent nature of appointments, an idea might be for you to place appointments in your manager's calendar as they come up to give them awareness without you needing to worry each time about finding the right moment to have a conversation to approve it. Having to ask for time off repeatedly can make you feel like a burden, whereas managing expectations & putting a plan in place up front can really help.
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4. Find a support network within a trusted group of friends, if you don't want to update everyone all the time ask one person to maybe do this for you, as well as to provide a heads up to any triggering announcements.
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Continued in comments...

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