• HOME
  • MY STORY
  • BLOG
  • PODCAST
  • MEDIA
  • PATHS TO PARENTHUB
  • CONTACT ME

IMG_6516

by Defining Mum | May 9, 2019 | 0 comments

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Categories

  • Guest Blog
  • Infertility
    • Secondary Infertility
    • Unexplained Infertility
    • Adoption
    • Fertility in the workplace
    • Surrogacy
    • Friends and family support
  • Donor Conception
    • Donor Eggs
    • Donor Sperm
    • Egg Donor
    • Donor Conceived Adult
    • Single Mum by Choice
    • Talking to our children
    • Friends and family support
  • Baby Loss

I’m Becky, an incredibly grateful 34 year old donor egg IVF mum to three beautiful girls. I live in the UK with my husband Matt as well as Mila, aged 3 and twins Eska and Lena, aged 2.

Read more about me

Healthline Infertility Best Blogs 2020
Recently I wrote an article for Fertility Road Magazine called “How to talk to your employer about your fertility treatment” - click here to download your copy.
I’m back from a much needed holiday & so I thoug I’m back from a much needed holiday & so I thought I’d take the opportunity to reintroduce myself! 

I’m Becky, 37yo proud mum to Mila, Eska & Lena.💛 In their words “mummy’s eggs were broken & so we needed to use eggs from a lady donor to make them” (or ‘lady donut’ as 2yr old Eska once called her 🤣). I’ve been sharing my story here for over 4yrs now, after starting DefiningMum back in 2018 & publicly sharing my story of POI, multiple rounds of IVF, miscarriage & ultimately taking a different path to parenthood with thanks to science & egg donation. A path I now wouldn’t change for the world because it led us to our gorgeous girls, but one that took me time to accept & move forward with, one which I’m always learning about & figuring out as I go along. I talk about the joy, grief, gratitude, complexities, fears, happiness, challenging conversations, decisions & emotions - with the aim of opening up conversations & giving people more confidence in taking this path towards parenting & beyond. 

Aside from our girls, one of my proudest achievements is founding @paths_to_parenthub, a donor conception support & connection platform filled with so many resources, on-demand chats (ft. professionals & lived experiences), plus a private community filled with the loveliest, supportive people! With over 70hrs of on-demand content (something for everyone), regular connection & support groups, common fears resource, grounding audios & access to our private app, there is so much to explore & learn from. I’d love to welcome you there, if you’d like to join as a member you can do so either monthly or annually through the link in my bio.

Not forgetting my Redefining Parenthood podcast, with a new series in the planning & my next in-person event coming later this year - so many of you have joined the waitlist already (link in bio) which is so exciting!

And taking up a large part of my time, I’m also co-founder of @fertilitymattersatwork, on a mission to transform support in the workplace for those facing infertility with the amazing @fertilitypoddy & @ingleclaire.

I’m crazy busy but so passionate about this topic & feel very grateful that I’m able to use my voice for good! 💛
One year ago today I held my long-awaited in-perso One year ago today I held my long-awaited in-person event "Donor Conception - Connecting Through Conversations". It was an incredible day and looking back now I realise that (1) I should have taken way more photos than I actually did and (2) how much I really want to host a day like this again! 

Whilst I can't confirm the exact venue and date just yet (it won't be long I hope 🤞) what I can say is that it is looking likely that there will be an opportunity to attend another full-day event which will bring to life conversations, equip you with more confidence and help you build your support network when it comes to donor conception. 

This time it's going to be further north in the UK (but still accessible from London) and will include a similar format of speaker panel sessions and workshops with the amazing professionals I work with on Paths to Parenthub. There's a brilliant organisation who are helping to make this all possible too, which I will share soon, who will also be allowing me to add an extra dimension to the conversations held that day. Just one of the lovely attendees from last year shared;

“It was a profoundly reassuring experience, to be among so many women going through similar things – it made the idea of donor conception seem much more real and accessible, and not so strange after all. It was lovely to hear from DEIVF parents and be able to "feel" their bond with their children as they spoke about them. I feel much more confident about going into the process.” 

Tickets went really fast last year and so if you'd like to join the waitlist and be one of the first to hear about this year's event you can do so through the link in my bio. I'm so excited to be able to facilitate this day again, to meet even more of you and give you a squeeze in real life! And if you came along last time and would like to do so again, I would love to see you again! 💛
Why would I have any doubts, when they are so sure Why would I have any doubts, when they are so sure of who I am?

Words inspired by the wonderful Cristina from my members chat this month on @paths_to_parenthub (it's well worth a listen!). We talk about the fears we both held about feeling like the 'real' mum when bonding without genetic ties, but these words really stuck with me. I think about when I used to fear how my children might see me if we didn't share DNA, whether they'd think of me as 'less than' in some way or feel like there was something missing in our relationship. I see now through their eyes that to them I'm nothing other than 'mummy'. I'm the mummy they've always known and loved, whilst also being aware that there was another lady who helped to make them who they are. 

Right from when they were placed in my arms they were so sure of who I was - all they'd ever known was the sound of my voice, my smell, the touch of my skin, my smiling face looking back at them. I wish I'd had that same certainty about who I was, thinking of all those times when I doubted myself, my legitimacy as their parent, my role as mother...when I should have looked at myself through their eyes. 

One of the biggest things I've learned is about the capacity to love. To love beyond DNA, but also to hold space for more than one person, without it taking away from another. If they choose to find out more about our egg donor/their genetic parent when they're older, that isn't because they see me any less as their mum. In fact I think putting my feelings to one side, and focusing on theirs, makes me even more of a mother. 

It's funny how so much becomes clearer when we look at things through their eyes, in doing so what used to scare me no longer does, because I'm reassured. It doesn't mean that there won't be challenges ahead, but that we can navigate anything together, as mother and daughters. 💛

#donoreggs #deivf #eggdonation #donorconception #recipientparent #definingmum #pathstoparenthood #pathstoparenthub
These words have stuck with me ever since I record These words have stuck with me ever since I recorded a @paths_to_parenthub chat last week with one of my lovely members, Cristina, who shared how in the early days of motherhood she wondered aloud about whether her newborn son, conceived with donor eggs, looked anything like her. Her husband's response was simply perfect, putting everything into perspective as he said;

"Nevermind whether he looks LIKE you, just look at the way he looks AT you."

I wanted to share this as it really helps reframe and redefine what being a parent really means. We can worry about bonding due to the lack of a genetic link when in fact, at the end of the day, relationships aren't defined by simply sharing resemblances, but in the 'looks' of love that you share every single day you spend together. 

Those first smiles in the early days as they recognise your face.

The way they search for you when simply hearing your voice.

The way they look at you first thing in the morning when they wake.

The way they stare deeply into your eyes as you rock them to sleep.

The way they look to you in a crowded room to seek reassurance.

That moment of pure joy when they spot you in the audience at their first school play.

Those are the looks that relationships are built on - the look of love. 💛 

#donoreggs #donorconception #deivf #deivfjourney #parentingafterinfertility #recipientparent #definingmum #donorsperm #doubledonation #embryodonation #pathstoparenthub #pathstoparenthood #eggdonation
Following international donor conception awareness Following international donor conception awareness day I wanted to share more about Paths to Parenthub, where you can find support, connection & information for whatever stage of the donor conception journey you are on.

SUPPORT

Regular webinars with experts, combined with personal stories to bring it to life, talking all about the common things we want to know, can often fear & want to learn about on this path to parenthood.

As well as this we also have a counsellor directory if you’d like to speak with a professional, all of which are BICA accredited & have experience with donor conception (many of which offer member discounts too).

CONNECTION

With our own private connection community here you can meet and chat with others at different stages of the journey to make connections with those who truly ‘get it’. We have a lovely, supportive & thriving community within the app and this will expand soon to monthly virtual ‘support group’ meet-ups to allow further connection. The hope is that as we become donor conceived families we will have friends & connections who have also been on this path to parenthood, with the hope of local meet-ups too.

RESOURCES

There are also a growing range of resources with recommendations for reading, listening & watching, with all of our previous webinar recordings available too.

HOW TO JOIN

To join as a member simply head to the link in our bio. I’ve extended the IDCAD annual membership offer over this weekend until Monday 1st May - use coupon code IDCAD or the link in my bio to get £25 off annual membership. 
Since launching in September 2020 we’ve welcomed over 1000 members, I would love to welcome you there! 💛
It’s International Donor Conception Awareness Da It’s International Donor Conception Awareness Day and the theme this year is truth and transparency, something I believe is fundamental when it comes to building your family with the help of donor conception. I’m so grateful to have collaborated with these wonderful fellow recipient parents and advocates to share our thoughts on what truth and transparency means to us. 

We believe that everyone has the right to know the truth about their conception story and that being transparent as a parent is about openness and honesty, showing vulnerability, being accountable, and always holding open lines of communication as our children grow.
Telling them their story is just the beginning, with their understanding evolving as they grow, and so for us as parents it’s important to make sure we are preparing and looking after ourselves so that we can be in the best possible position to support our children. 
Our hope is that by collectively sharing our stories we can not only show our reality of parenting after donor conception, but also how laying a foundation of truth and transparency can build strong foundations for our ongoing relationship with our children, modelling to them the importance of honesty and also how we hold no shame in our story, just pride.

Thank you to the wonderful accounts who collaborated with me for this reel, all of whom are open to supporting others in being truthful and transparent in their family story - @thesaltedtail, @dani_repsch @thebunlessoven, @dcp_journey_2_rp,  @expectinganything, @pursuingfatherhood, @happytogetherchildrensbook, @knackered_knackers, @kreenadhiman, @life_with_the_brown_family and @_tryingtobeamum_.

There’s also @paths_to_parenthub which is designed to support you every step of the way through this path to parenthood and beyond.

I’d love to hear your thoughts...what does truth and transparency mean to you? 💛
Follow on Instagram
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
© Defining Mum 2022