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by Defining Mum | May 9, 2019 | 0 comments

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I’m Becky, an incredibly grateful 34 year old donor egg IVF mum to three beautiful girls. I live in the UK with my husband Matt as well as Mila, aged 3 and twins Eska and Lena, aged 2.

Read more about me

Healthline Infertility Best Blogs 2020
Recently I wrote an article for Fertility Road Magazine called “How to talk to your employer about your fertility treatment” - click here to download your copy.
I sometimes hear donor conception (along with othe I sometimes hear donor conception (along with other alternative ways to become a parent) referred to as “Plan B”. Admittedly, I also used this as a description for the donor egg route whilst we were still in the midst of own egg IVF - I’m sure many others do. 

But not since. Now it is our reality, with 3 beautiful girls to show for it, I’ve struggled with the inferred suggestion that the end result of ‘plan B’ may be seen in some way as ‘second best’ or something we ‘settled for’. It makes me uncomfortable or guilty even that my girls might think that they themselves are our ‘Plan B’ and not what we always wanted. It couldn’t be further from the truth - they are all we ever wanted.

THEY aren’t our ‘Plan B’, it was just the path that we took to get to them that was different from the original path we intended to take. I know it’s just terminology and shouldn’t matter a great deal, but it’s something I always want the girls to be clear about. Yes, I grieved for not having success on our original route to parenthood and the loss of my genetics, but it doesn’t mean that I settled for any less as a Mum - if anything it made them all the more precious, I could not love these girls any more if they were genetically mine. They were the ultimate goal and I feel so unbelievably grateful that we were able to have them and that I get to spend every day being their Mum. 

I shared these words 3 years ago (back when everyone did pointy reels!) but wanted to again as a way to give hope, spark reflection and to help redefine what this path actually means. Also, how little do the girls look?! Time really does fly and there words still mean as much now as they did before. 💛 

#donorconception #planb #donoreggs #donoreggmama #deivf #infertilityawareness
I’m re-sharing this oldie because I know that ta I’m re-sharing this oldie because I know that talking to your child about donor conception can feel incredibly daunting and emotional. I share this reel to hopefully help others on this journey learn ways in which you can weave this conversation into daily life. I’m no expert and this is simply from my own experience, but these conversations over time can become much more natural.

I also want to note that it can feel overwhelming to think about these conversations, particularly in the early days, and so I always like to offer some perspective too. It by no means dominates our conversations or daily life, it’s not something we think or talk about that often, but starting early allows us to practice, feel more comfortable and for their story to be understood as they grow. This way they won’t have a recollection of being ‘told’, it will just always be their ‘normal’. 

If you want to learn more about why it’s important to talk to your child about donor conception, as well as some ways in which we can do so, there are so many webinars with professionals and conversations with other parents available to watch on-demand as part of the @paths_to_parenthub membership, plus parenting connection calls (I’m hosting one on Sunday!) and a wonderful community within the private app. 

Since making this reel we’ve also now got a copy of the wonderful @wearefamilybooks which tells our story in our way and is an beautiful extension of our scrapbook. Books included in this reel include @happytogetherchildrensbook and Robobabies by @robomummy, I’m also a big fan of @sensitive_matters. There are so many tools out there to support families today, you don’t need to do this alone! 💛

PS - how little do the girls look?! 🥰

#donorconception #donoreggs #donorsperm #deivf #deivfmama #deivfsuccess #donorspermivf #recipientparent #tellingthechild #donorconceptionsupport #deivfjourney #eggdonorbaby
I shared these words by @lexyflorentina (via @soma I shared these words by @lexyflorentina (via @somaticexperiencingint in my stories earlier (originally sent to me by Julianne @parenthoodinmind) as so apt for donor conception. They sparked a huge response & so I thought I'd share them here with a few thoughts...

Grief can feel like a strange emotion to talk about now that our lives are filled with so much joy. In the past I'd questioned whether there was something wrong with me for wanting to talk about grief, when I'm so lucky to be where I am now. Yet it was grief that brought me here, & it's grief that brings into sharp focus the gratitude I now feel as mum to our girls. It's a part of our story and will always be there in the background, just like a pilot light, an analogy used by my friend Shaun @knackered_knackers.

When I first went down this path I naively assumed that I'd simply 'get rid of' the grief that I've felt over the many different losses we encountered on our path to parenthood. Yet, as these words describe so well, those feelings haven't completely gone away, instead it's me that's grown around them. I hadn't expected it would be such a process, but unknowingly over time I was building my capacity - pushing past my previous concepts of what it meant to be a mum, opening myself up to and making space for a new dream to exist.
 
The notion of multiple feelings co-existing has been so freeing for me, to realise that it's possible to feel more than one emotion at a time & that one doesn't have to take away from the other. It doesn't mean that if I'm triggered or feel sadness resurfacing that I'm not grateful & happy to be in the position I am now. It doesn't mean that I regret any of our path or wish for anything different, I wouldn't change a thing about our girls.

To reassure anyone in the early stages thinking "will I always feel this way?", 99% of the time I don't even notice it's there, but I wouldn't be true to myself or transparent if I didn't recognise the complexity of emotions & that triggers can still pop up. Yet, from the complexity there are glimmers that shine through even more brightly, highlighting the goodness, joy, peace, relief and connection I now feel. 💛
Acceptance. I didn’t realise at the time but it’s been a huge part of becoming & being a parent through donor conception. It’s not been easy & has definitely been a process over time.
Acceptance of a different path, that my child won’t share my genetics, that they share genetics with someone else, that we have a more complex story, that we have a responsibility to tell them that story & support them with what it means. 

I’ve also learnt that acceptance doesn’t mean being 100% ok with it 100% of the time, we are human after all & often still hold feelings of loss from our journey to parenthood. I still have moments of grief & anxiety around some of these, but it has become so much easier. 

A lot of these play to our fears around using a donor to conceive, the fear of not feeling like the ‘real’ parent, of being replaced one day, of the potential impact to our child, of our child not resembling us, that it will dominate our whole narrative & family life. On the other side, almost all of these fears have been unfounded, with the exception of how my children might feel, but this has definitely lessoned over time, whilst also being an inevitable part of parenting! 

Time has helped me towards acceptance but also talking, recognising these fears, understanding them & hearing from others. All of this is part of @paths_to_parenthub & the reason why I created it. Conversations with professionals & shared lived experiences to help you feel less alone & have a better understanding of why you’re feeling the way you do, plus peer to peer support in a safe private space. Tomorrow evening I’m hosting a webinar with Julianne @parenthoodinmind called "Living with grief, do we ever move on?" where we'll explore all of this.

Do these statements resonate with you? These are personal to me but I’d love to hear if your moments of acceptance have been any different? I also want to recognise that I know acceptance around the term ‘genetic parent’ is hard & the word ‘parent’ can be triggering, my acceptance has come through realising that scientifically this term is most accurate, whereas our reality, our day to day parenting (the verb) is completely different, & that’s all me.💛
I love this simple & powerful image by @skybanyes I love this simple & powerful image by @skybanyes, one I shared 3yrs ago. When it comes to infertility so often we look to others, wishing we could be as 'brave' as them, whether it be making the choice to use a donor, to walk away, to keep trying or to go down a different path. There are so many different choices & paths we have to face when dealing with infertility, many of which people who conceive with ease never even have to consider. In this community, we might all be dealing with fertility struggles, but with so many variables in our own unique situations, comparison can just make us question ourselves even more. 

I remember a friend who faced fertility struggles at the same time as me. When we both reached a crossroads, I decided to use a donor, whereas she decided to walk away. I remember feeling such admiration for her incredibly brave decision to stop treatment & find joy & purpose elsewhere in her life, something I didn't feel 'brave' enough to do then. At the same time, she felt the same admiration for me for being able to take the decision to continue. We both thought the other was being 'brave', when in fact we both were.

One thing I'm sure we'll all have in common is that we have been scared at some point, or most of the time if you're anything like I was! We'll all feel it, some will openly express their vulnerabilities, others will keep it close to their chests, some will mask their fear with coping mechanisms, & some won't say a word at all - but all of our feelings are valid & real.

What I've learned is that some days you'll feel brave, some days you'll feel scared, but mostly you'll feel both. It’s that phrase I use often “feelings can co-exist”. You may go ahead & do it anyway, or you may wait a little longer. Just remember that we are all human. We all worry, we all feel fear, we all make mistakes & we are all brave in our own unique way. We can be brave & be scared at the same time, as one of my favourite quotes from @morganharpernichols expresses; "You do not have to be fearless. Doing it afraid is just as brave". Sending so much love to anyone feeling this right now, remember you are human, your feelings are valid & you are brave.
💛
The length of time it's taken me to actually share The length of time it's taken me to actually share this episode of the @paths_to_parenthub podcast tells you how busy things have been lately! 

If you haven't yet listened, in this episode called “why context is key when talking to our children” Hayley @dcp_journey_2_rp and I chat about some of the phrases that can be used by recipient parents in speaking to their donor conceived children, specifically 'You are a gift' and 'You were so wanted'. We discuss how we have seen these phrases at times be contentious within donor conception social media forums, the different perspectives that people may have, why we as parents might use these phrases, and how important context is when these are shared.

With Hayley's experience as a donor-conceived person and both of our experiences as recipient parents involved in lots of conversations in this space, we explore the nuances, the intentions, and potential impacts of using these terms in different scenarios.

As always we love to hear from you - please let us know what you'd like to hear us talk about in future episodes. We'll try to make sure they're less sporadic in future! If you want to make sure you don't miss an episode you can subscribe to the Paths to Parenthub Podcast wherever you get your podcasts (also linked in my bio)! Also, whilst you're there - if you can rate and review we'd be ever so grateful! We hope you enjoy and find our reflections helpful.

#donorconception #deivf #deivfmama #deivfjourney #recipientparent #donoreggs #parentingafterdonorconception #donorconceptionsupport #spermdonation #embryodonation #doubledonation #pathstoparenthood #pathstoparenthub #definingmum
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