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by Defining Mum | Oct 10, 2018 | 0 comments

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Infertility
Donor Conception
Baby Loss

I’m Becky, an incredibly grateful 34 year old donor egg IVF mum to three beautiful girls. I live in the UK with my husband Matt as well as Mila, aged 3 and twins Eska and Lena, aged 2.

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Such an incredible message arrived in my message r

Such an incredible message arrived in my message requests yesterday, one that absolutely made me smile from ear to ear and reminded me of the immense power in sharing stories. Knowing that in this moment, words I'd shared on a social media channel instantly made a complete stranger feel less alone, is the one of the most rewarding feelings.

I share this (anonymously with permission) as an example to other parents feeling similar anxieties to show that you're not on your own. Although we can often build these moments up in our minds, when we're actually placed in the situation unexpectedly, somehow we can get through it and can really start to embrace our story together.

I'm so lucky to get many messages like this, for some reason this one in particular painted such a picture for me I just had to share. I'm thankful to everyone who reaches out and shares such intimate thoughts and moments with me, it really does give me the energy and motivation to keep sharing everything that I do here.

If you missed it last week, my blog post all about talking to your children about donor conception is linked in my bio and there are lots of resources, support and connections to be made as part of my @paths_to_parenthub community too, including lots of parents navigating life after infertility and donor conception. Just let me know if you want to find out more.

This community here can be such a lifeline for others on this journey - so thank you for all of your engagement and support, it means the world! Lots of love from one very happy, grateful mama xxx

I wanted to share with you a new podcast, recently

I wanted to share with you a new podcast, recently launched to share perspectives from those who are donor conceived. @youlooklikeme_ has been created by journalist @Louisejouk who is passionate about helping others through sharing her personal story of how she learned she was conceived using a sperm donor at the age of 13. She also interviews many others with wide ranging stories of discovery and coming to terms with being donor conceived. I've just finished episode one and, just like I was with Ally @halfofmepodcast, I am grateful to Lou for sharing her voice and those of others.

I do add a little warning that you may find some of the difficult stories triggering. I know that as a parent (or parent to be) some of the content may not be easy to listen to, with heartbreaking stories from years ago ranging from late surprise discoveries to many, many half-siblings found. Over the past two years I've learned myself that sometimes we have to make ourselves uncomfortable to truly understand. Here you can learn about the impact that deception can have on an individual, why it's important to tell early, the natural curiosity people may have to know more about their donor, as well as the impact that we as parents can have in how we deliver their story to them. My advice would be to make sure you're in the right space to listen.

If you wanted to hear more, Lou recently spoke openly and honestly as part of my @Paths_to_Parenthub webinar "How might my child feel about their conception?" alongside Kate (who is also sperm donor conceived) and Gerry, an experienced counsellor. The contrast in stories, within which there were both learnings and reassurance, gave a real insight into the different experiences and perspectives of two adults who were donor conceived. The recording of this conversation is available to access through @paths_to_parenthub (linked in my bio).

I will continue to listen and learn from the stories Lou shares and I am grateful to have connected with her. Do go and give her a follow @youlooklikeme_. It’s so important that these voices are heard. 💛

I'm keeping it short and sweet today with a positi

I'm keeping it short and sweet today with a positive message for a rainy day in lockdown... a simple reminder that love isn't genetically programmed.

Will I love my baby? Will they love me? Both common and very normal questions we ask ourselves when faced with such complexity of thoughts as we try to imagine ourselves as a parent to a child that isn't genetically related to us. I know from personal experience that it's easy to worry and overthink about this, particularly the fears around bonding before we have our children. I also know that my fears have turned out to be completely unfounded. 💛

Think about all of the people you love in your life that you aren't genetically related to. This doesn't mean that genetics don't hold any significance at all, but I know that genetics are not a requirement for love. I truly believe that love is what makes and builds a family, cemented by the experiences that we share together.

On this topic, I'll be talking with wonderful Julianne @parenthoodinmind all about attachment and bonding with your donor conceived child as part of our next @Paths_to_parenthub webinar on Wednesday 3rd February - the link to sign up is in my bio, or you can join my @paths_to_parenthub community as a member to connect with others and be able to watch all of the expert webinars and personal stories shared.

#donorconception #donoreggs #deivf #deivfmama #deivfjourney #eggdonorbaby #donorsperm #dsivf #pof #definingmum #pathstoparenthood #pathstoparenthub

Periods. 😩 Whatever your situation they can b

Periods. 😩 Whatever your situation they can be a constant trigger both during and after a struggle to conceive.

I talked about my irregular and frustrating peri-menopausal cycles in my stories last night and received such a huge response, thank you for instantly helping me feel less crazy and alone in my thoughts!

Periods are naturally associated with womanhood and fertility and so I suppose it’s only natural that they have become a symbol and reminder of what my body couldn’t do.

They used to be a painful reminder that yet again I wasn't pregnant, always arriving at the very point I started to hope, almost as if hope itself would start one. I even used to joke that if you wanted to bring on a period, buy a pregnancy test!

My current irregularity even caused me to convince myself I was somehow miraculously pregnant during lockdown last year, sparking a strange, complex mess of emotions I couldn't even begin fathom.

I find that now I'm a mum after using donor eggs, I'm no longer holding my breath each time in anticipation, but I'm still reminded and triggered, both of my infertility and my impending early menopause. On one hand I actually wish my periods would just hurry up and stop completely, so as to end the uncertainty, painful reminders and sheer inconvenience, but on the other hand, them stopping feels too final and far too soon at the age of 34.

I’m learning to understand that periods are far more than simply a physical process, they’re an intensely emotional one too. So whilst I'm incredibly thankful for everything I do have now, I can say that the triggers of infertility don't just end when you have your baby.

It's accepting that, whilst the triggers are much more bearable than before, it's perfectly normal (and ok) to still feel frustrated and sad about it.

Sharing in case this resonates with anyone else too. I haven’t heard many talk about the emotions that periods can trigger following a fertility struggle and during early menopause and so I hope that by sharing this it helps others feel less alone.

#lifeafterinfertility #infertilityjourney #periods #pof #perimenopause #earlymenopause #infertilitysucks #youarenotalone #motherhood

An uplifting story for a Friday evening! I'm delig

An uplifting story for a Friday evening! I'm delighted to share a guest blog today from the perspective of an egg donor. I'm always fascinated to think about what motivates someone to do such a life-changing thing for someone else, enabling them to build the family they've always dreamed of.

Olivia is an amazing lady, one who quite literally brought me to tears on one of my joint webinars with @altruieggdonation last year and she did it again when I read this blog post that she has kindly penned for us all to read. One of the most touching lines I read was just how much she thought about and wanted to give a hug to the 'mummy'. For some reason I'd always imagined the focus would be more-so on how the child was feeling and doing, but to know that there is also empathy there for the lady she made a mum really warmed my heart.

Have a read through the link in my bio and do share your thoughts and thanks for what Olivia has done - I still can't put into words how life-changing it is and has been for us. Thank you Olivia x

#donoreggs #eggdonor #eggdonation #definingmum #guestblog #donorconception #deivf #deivfsuccess #deivfjourney #eggdonorbaby #deivfmama

It's been a while since I’ve spoken on a podcast

It's been a while since I’ve spoken on a podcast and I'd forgotten how much I enjoy doing them, so I was delighted to speak last month with lovely Zoe @zoecresswell_me for her Motherhood Exposed podcast.

Zoe is doing a brilliant job in bringing together and raising awareness of different paths to and experiences of motherhood. Through conversations she is sharing how there is no 'normal' when it comes to being a mum, with all of our experiences being unique. Having previously spoken on fertility specific podcasts, it feels great to also have our donor conception story heard on a podcast about motherhood in general.

My episode is released today (linked in my bio) where I talk about pretty much everything really...our fertility journey, making the decision to use an egg donor, my thoughts and emotions throughout, pregnancy, birth, motherhood and reflections and advice for others. Have a listen and do let me know your thoughts!

Thank you so much to Zoe for sharing my story. 💛

#motherhoodexposed #motherhoodunplugged #fertilityjourney #donoreggs #deivf #donorconception #deivfsuccess #deivfmama #infertilityjourney #pof #pathstoparenthood #pathstoparenthub #definingmum

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