Society tends to focus on appearances when it comes to family. Naturally we are drawn to search for similarities, especially when it comes to babies. My husband thinks all babies look the same, but I used to pride myself on being able to easily pick out likenesses of both parents when meeting a newborn – I could always see an identifiable similarity. When we started TTC it filled me with excitement as I’d often wonder what our children would look like – a unique combination of both Matt and I. Because I placed such significance on this, it was a huge loss for me to grieve for, I had to accept that the vision of a child I’d always imagined just wasn’t going to be.
When pregnant, although I knew I would love our child, I still had a niggling worry about how striking any differences might be, and how I’d feel about them. Society’s so-called ‘norms’ played on my mind…will it be so obvious that people notice I’m not genetically related to them? Will it sting when there are inevitable comments about their looks?
When Mila arrived, the first thing that struck me was how much she looked like Matt. Not just a little bit – but scarily so! But what struck me even more was the realisation that she was completely individual and totally unique. I didn’t look to see a combination of two peoples genetics – instead all I saw was our beautiful child and was immediately flooded by love for her. This is one of my favourite pictures of the two of us, on our first family holiday to Cornwall when she was just 5 months old.
From birth, comments tended to be about how much she looked like Matt, which were actualy easy to respond to as she really does look like him! If I didn’t want to divulge too much about her conception, referencing her likeness to Daddy was always my default answer. I did get the odd comment likening her to me, but not often, I think sometimes people either see what they want to see or maybe say what they think you want to hear! Honestly though, talk of their appearance no longer bothered me, instead it became a great opportunity to celebrate their uniqueness and just how beautiful they are.
I’ll share on another post soon one hurtful comment I did receive (more out of ignorance & incorrect terminology) but on the whole I wanted to share this to reassure you. Even though it’s incredibly hard to let go of your ‘vision’ of the child you’d always imagined, in reality there is so much more to being a parent. Being a parent is about everything you do for them, the sacrifices you make and shared time together – not how alike you look. I may not have influenced the girls appearances directly, but I know I am shaping them as human beings through being their Mother. Something which, every day, I’m incredibly grateful for.
Love, Becky x
