I recently saw heard someone say “infertility robs us of the long-term view”. Planning anything during fertility struggles becomes near on impossible – I remember I had so much of my life hung up on the loose possibility and desperate hope that I might soon be pregnant. From minor things to major life events – I’d find myself thinking…
Best not buy that dress… in the hope that I might not get much wear out of it as I would soon be needing maternity clothes
Best not book that holiday just yet… not knowing if I’d be in another IVF cycle or hoping that I might be in the early stages of pregnancy
Best not book the wedding yet… we don’t want to be spending ‘unnecessary’ money that might be needed for more treatment or (the more hopeful me) what about my wedding dress if I’m pregnant at the time? (a scenario I was quite happy to face!)
Best not commit to going on the hen weekend… there will be questions about me not drinking / what if it clashes with egg collection?!
Best not go to the social event… there’s bound to be another pregnancy announcement and I don’t feel strong enough to cope.
Best not apply for the new job… I just don’t have the energy / I need the length of service in the hope of company maternity pay / what if I start a new job & need more time off for appointments?
It’s the not knowing that I found so incredibly hard. Being a planner with the only thing certain in my life plan being quite simply “to be a Mum”, I was completely and utterly at a loss of what to do with myself. I wished for a crystal ball to just tell me that one day it would happen, even if it was going to be another 5/10 years – I just wanted some certainty, when in fact the only certainty was that there was none!
Because this lack of control can literally leave us feeling powerless we can easily let life run away without being ‘present’ in it.
I love the phrase “don’t let trying stop you from living” (I believe from the wonderful @mother_pukka) It’s why I love concepts such as @thisisalicerose‘s ‘Life Raft’ with the idea that, rather than be a passenger in life waiting to get back on the train, you can still find enjoyment in other things.
Try not to lose what makes you…YOU and don’t let trying stop you from living.
Love, Becky x