I met and then married my amazing husband, Ric on the bonnie banks of Loch Lomond 5 years ago. I still remember his speech at the wedding and him mentioning hopefully us having a family one day. If only then we knew then how hard that was going to be. We started trying to conceive after our wedding and I guess given we were both in our mid-30’s age wasn’t on our side. After 6 months we visited our GP and so began a conveyor belt of tests leading eventually to the IVF clinic. After negative results on two fresh and one frozen transfer we finally got our much longed for BFP. We named every embryo and this was no different.
We called this embryo Penny as Ric had bought me a lucky penny necklace during the two week wait. I couldn’t believe our luck and that the penny worked and in nine months we would meet our lucky baby Penny. The morning of test day will never leave me. The feelings of shock and joy. We did two tests at home then jumped in the car to our clinic for them to also confirm. The staff were delighted and we were on cloud nine. I had never felt this excited before and to see the staff and our closest family so delighted for us was a dream come true.
We waited a few weeks for a six week scan. To see our baby was so emotional, we were told we may not hear a heartbeat so early but there it was…loud and clear. We were elated and were allowing ourselves to start to believe that we may have our own baby. We booked in for a scan at just over nine weeks – our baby had grown and their heart was still beating away. It was magical. The twelve week scan finally came, after it felt like time was really dragging. I woke that morning feeling nervous and for some reason a bit low. It was our NHS scan and we waited patiently with other expectant mothers. Straight away when she placed the scanner on my tummy I just knew. We couldn’t see what we had seen before, her face said everything then the words “I can’t detect a heartbeat”.
I honestly felt like my life just paused. I screamed but nothing came out. Our lives, hopes and dreams fell apart in an instant; our baby had died. The next few weeks were a blur. I had to have surgery, after which we opted to keep the remains of our baby. I remember clearly driving to the morgue to pick up a tiny box. We should have been bringing Penny home in a car seat. My heart was broken. We chose to place our baby in beautiful Loch Lomond as it is such a part of our story that it felt so right. One and a half years on Penny is a huge part of our lives and has made us stronger. After our tragic loss I became so passionate about raising awareness and sharing. Partly to help others but also to honour our baby that did live and deserves to be acknowledged.
We have now taken the decision to stop treatment and are progressing with the adoption process. Hopefully one day we will become a family of four with our beautiful fur baby Ozzy, he was by our side throughout and we will forever have Penny in our hearts as our angel baby. Baby Loss Awareness Week is so important and I share our story in honour of Penny and our other 5 embryos, as well as all loved babies taken way too soon. Forever in our hearts.
